( Fitting in at mainstream school's )
I never fitted in at any schools, i was always alone felt like i had no one even tho you had a circle, you would see , and to this day as adult feels as if no one understands me , was bullied as a kid in out school's, fighting, with all peers, individuals, teacher's, put back behind in school, cause society then classed us as the un-smart people , i couldn't read, or write, had have speech, language therapy, wanted just be like the other cool kid's on block . So i no how this girl, felt and she was Autistic,
( Opening up about a Diagnosis)
I never wanted to tell anyone i had autism , let alone write & say what i feel inside me as person, now. as kid, i never use want ask teachers, for help, if i was stuck, or listen , i use to just sit-down and blank every word they said by going silent, not even single word came out my mouth.
Because personally i think no one understood me back then and now as adult don't think people understand me now . Like as Autistic person to me i think its from life perspective , evolution , we are all evolving as individuals, so what if society classes us different, its way of thinking creating, our colours, idea's , imagination, yet you are always going have other's that are not going to see from your perspective, on way we see world , smell , things , touch things , hear , things , but who care's that's there opinions right , I no we get are meltdown's, who care's because that is who we are embrace who we are as individuals, and forget what other's think about us we are beautiful people , in our hearts & minds , we see are life's in pictures, and make that picture come to reality in life , some day we all will be on that magic, rainbow, looking down at the Judgemental people who said we never make it and have high expectations, well fuck you am here now you saying we cant do things makes us determined prove them all wrong . and focus the drive, to prove who said why do we do that as in the un ordinary way. I just no that beautiful girl, is on her rainbow now smiling , at us all . no more hurtful days now darling, you can go creative as much as you want , because there is world up there full of magical, colours, welcome to narina
(Socializing and making close friends)
Socializing as a kid, for me was very hard thing to do no one would really speak to me only the older kid's now and again felt like i had no friends , i remember use go sit on table on my own for dinner's food , at one point i thought forget having food because everything was overwhelming people laughing at me chucking chips ,so thought just go on adventure out side school, and sit on my own .
Same in classrooms , i wanted focus do my work but was bullied by peers even teachers would laugh at me in mainstreams , i was only tiny person as little boy , so i use be kicked out grabbed by ears, and then sent to head office couldn't see me so they use ring up my parents, so socializing was hard thing to do back then . and making friends , so i can relate to lot how this girl must felt , having your circle but not circle when you needed them the most . although i had childhood, people i see but they was in higher above classes, as said was put back in each school , i say people understood me better when chose get home tutored and being away at school, were teachers taught me become person i am today by the help i had over there , pushed me to read , write and even do GCSE's . I just wish that girl never gave up on fighting the demons, but can understand why because life everyday for autistic's is hard . seems only way out to go to that's creative world you have in your mind and heart . for things be happy'r .
(Meltdowns's ) Are not a sign of bad behaviour, there signs of communication , on them trying show some individuals to try see through there eyes on perspective of there life . collections, coping mechanisms, or even trying show that they are asking for help. go on the journey with autistic, learn new things . from life perspective, on how a world they create works for some not all .
This girl seems very similar, to me people often say to me am geeky, and i love films . directors,
seems as if she couldn't accept that she was Autistic, i feel same on most day's when times hit there all time low and i think of suicidal, attempts by having knife on my neck and wanting to cut through the bone or even smashing plates over my forehead , and cutting my arms , I think we see the negative rather than the positive, i think reasons is behind this might be a small minded tool of girls saying we are dum demons, evil, cant do things . look at her look at him . then we over think them situations more to than other people. from her story she seems like she wanted learn more about Autism but couldn't come to terms with it . i think soon someone put's you into this box it effect's your self-esteem your mind , imagination, and creativity . That's actually how i am when am good am fantastic , when i loose it i really do i go into a lock down , were i feel overwhelmed by everything seems only way out is by hurting your self . i slam doors , smash things , i use turn my room upside down rip wall papers off , bed was smashed to pieces , shout scream , tears of anger laugh , while punching my self in face , roll my head back fourth in till i have carpet burns , shouting swearing calling names saying most terrible things . i just wanted be my self Jamie .
(observed )
Being watched all time or going see doctors , all time saying same story over - over can drain you and them taking same notes , is not good at young age but for 16 years age for this girl , and then you being open them telling your parents , in case you was going hurt your self . i didn't tell others that many things when i was little .
(Communication) before death ,
I think it seems this girl could only communicate with saying her feelings, down on paper , exactly what i can do to communicate , what is it to do with doctor's on what this girl was doing or going , am sure she was off to library, or something to read books. she felt alone , and wanted to tell her friends , how she felt , but couldn't , and her friends should been with her at time she felt low and high but this is what people wont see from what Autistic's are going feel like at there bad times, Someone can meet us all for first time and think their is nothing wrong with him or her .
(Creative)
People often say to me i am articulate and have articulate intelligence
This girl reminds me of my self , i feel how she feel's everyday, on wanting leave the world i live in
she was a very private young woman she was a bright witty talented girl and she had much to look forward to in her life''. i also tried to hang my self when i was lot younger, than this beautiful outgoing girl . but cable snapped on me we need more awareness out there for High-functioning Autism.
The dark side to Autistic's . Underneath sun there is smiles laughter joy, colours , Beyond the moon there is dark black shadow's , so don't judge by looking into the person eyes'
Thanks for reading Jamie .
Embrace what makes you Unique ,
