Preparing, for a week trip, with para climbers and team.
Packing my rucksack was a big nightmare for me since i don't have all my gear, but can say its slowly getting there maybe to 5 years, ill finally have my full kit .
There were few up's downs kick off-s but like my mum says to me Jamie ! you will be sorted , stop worrying about packing , Me Mum! i am very organized person , when it comes to routine, schedule, timing, dates , all planning , i get very anxious, if things are not set in way i like them to be .
Then kick off if am confused, and frustrated, and fly things around objects , because i have no control when i hit a meltdown and more case do more harm to my self than others around me , sometimes meditation, works sometimes it doesn't depending on how i am feeling that week or day but when it comes to Organizing i can get very, hot headed and bad moods and confused , with what i am trying to do but once i calm , down my parents, help me .
So next morning, i rushed , to Joe Browns after searching, high low for cheapish season 4 bag i finally had money to buy Mountain Equipment one.
Colours are life with me also i just love colours , with being Autistic, things i buy, have be kept as collections, objects , because i hate lending, and having borrow then giving them back after with them going on adventure, journey, with me that's anxious for me as well but you cant say sometimes because i don't want come across as selfish because i am far from selfish person , not in my characteristics, to be like that.
So i kept , searching for things before agreeing , with lending i suppose i can deal with saying yes some times but if i am fixated, then nothing can change my mind .
As i had most things already packed, in the bag i had 6 pairs boxers , 6 pairs t-shirts , 6 pairs socks , 6 pairs vests, Harness, Gloves, Coat, Rab, Jacket , 4 Hats 2 Pairs Trousers My mum ! saying you don't, need that much stuff Jamie ! your going to the middle no where .
Me Mum! i need all this stuff, so i feel better that i can put things into order, when i get out there like place them in order so that make's things feel good about my day hence my repetitive, routine i constantly have as Adult 25 still have help with lot things as i can get confused, if i can visualise what i have in front of me then its okay, but some times it not okay for me . i just try deal , with all the confusion , since i started speak up now its sort of helped me .
So i am ready, all packed, after a week, of worrying if i wouldn't have my things in place, my nana' and taid drove me for sleeping bag and came in when i went pick it so we adventured, to Llanber's a beautiful place of the homelands , as i am not city boy . welsh lands just like Lord of the Rings .
So all that was left, was to wait for my coach, who my dad went to get before we went of to stay in Birmingham, to stay at John Churcher's house a friend , and a para athlete for GB so 2 hours i think! we stopped of at starbucks, for a coffee, and rest , Mum ! you go in get coffee, i was starting to get overwhelmed, soon got in there i just wanted to get my order, done
The woman at star bucks, Hi can i help, you Me ! yes ill have 3 coffees please. Me ! my mum has not give me right money , ill leave mine thanks .
So we in car we went to get to the city, life Oh ! fuck i was thinking my head cant handle , city's , but were John lived was such beautiful place full lovely nice houses , still not fan on city , life .
We arrived , at Birmingham got all my bags outside, the car said good bye to my mum dad , they Dad, be safe Me! as a joke its okay, if don't come back you can always visit me as frozen, statue in glen coe Scotland jokes, laughs, Bye-bye.
See you when i get back , have amazing time mum! be safe , dad it will be unreal experience.
Jon , welcomed me mark in his home, i said hello to his wife, she was very, nice with me we then joined , them for food , we then chilled out John showed me his cool , coffee, latte, machine , and all his cool photos, and glasses, pictures, Teddy's .
Me ! is it okay to have look, at your collections , of glasses John Me! is it okay to touch them John ! dont brake them Me ! i wont i am very careful with things .
Mark, John was talking , about Eiger arrangements , and competitions, sponsors , all was on my mind, after that long day is i was thinking Wine Frodo, is on tour in Uk
i Wanted take trip, to near shop for some red wines , So off we went to Aldi, heck that experience, was very overwhelming for me . i was like pick some Rioja , now & get out .
I think i handled it well though . Till girl ! just this , Me ! yes thank you , nearly forgotten my pin i was like please don't happen now it felt like everyone was looking at me i felt , like hail stones , were launching at me in my head , i just wanted rush , and get hell out there . safe say i hate supermarkets.
Me ! i didn't enjoy that then Mark !
Mark i could tell you were starting get very anxious ,
Me !yes it was evolving into meltdown.
So me Mark ,John walked , back to his house after going Aldi.
Got back into house , we then said are cheer,s with vino, am sure, i frazzled , Johns wife and Marks, heads after we stayed at Johns i kept asking them load questions , Mark ! let John finish his sentence Me Okay ! i kept talking over people , that's habit for people that Autistic , I was on subject , on about Hats's while everyone wanted chill out like say i sure was Wine, Frod'ed but Wine, Frodo had fantastic, night at Birmingham, in John's house hold thanks for the hospitality.
And we also talked , saying how pleased about the trip in July we all are with way all our training, is going now ready for Switzerland , after our weekend in glen coe .
Me ! i don't think my fitness is there yet , Mark ! was casually just wanting listen to his music, Mark don't worry dude , will get there .
Me ! ill just keep training , and doing things repetitive ways
Cheers , with are wines , the wines clash, together , right time for bed , now sleep so we are fresh for tomorrow 7 hour journey to Glasgow,
Thank you John , said are nights . of i went to sleep .
To be continued , part 1 , part to is trip to Colin's house and coach journey
Part 2 Heading, on over to Glasgow .
So i woke, up in the morning , didn't even feel hungover, after the wines following night had plenty sleep i suppose , i went downstairs had breakfast with Mark, John , then afterwards went up stairs to pack my stuff, ready for trip to Glasgow.
Mark, ! is your stuff, packed do you have everything dude !
Me ! yes everything , is packed i think :L
so i had to double check , everything was in order like i said before i get confused, so if i don't have anyone like mentor, by my side like my mum, dad, friends , i can get overloaded and end up having, big meltdown's either in house, or in public .
So Mark, helps me remember, things by saying things repetitive, i really am humbled , on the help i get from people, because i no at times, i can be hard, to be around when i am having meltdowns, but not once so far have i had meltdown with Eiger team or Mark, touch, wood, when at home its consistent, day in day out i mean there really bad from wanting, to hurt my self to extreme, point .
I think it went okay, for me when i was away, with team , there were times i could feel, my self getting annoyed with being confused, though but i just have mask . other wise ill bring everyone down on that ship, with me and i don't want that i face fighting these demons, all by my self .
Me ! So i say , i am not frazzling your head now no Mark ! with forgetting , with saying same things over over but in different, way.
Mark say's no its cool, ill tell you if you are frazzling my brain .
So everything, was cool i was all packed, and ready to go .
John called, up a taxi, and we went outside to wait for it to arrive , we then put all are bags, in boot at that point i thought lost my iPod, so i was busy, looking for that Mark ! says you ready, now
Me ! In mood because, i thought lost a iPod, so i was frustrated, and my tone voice, was very low .
I am ready, so i put my pack back in boot, and off we went to get drop ed of at Birmingham, coach station .
At that point, i was thinking oh shit, i hate coaches , but i can tolerate, them more than i can buses, because seats, are not facing different angles , so your thinking your staring, at people, when your not and everything, feels as if massive tornado, has hit you because your that overwhelmed, by being on buses, so my point , i hate buses, with a passion .
So anyway, we arrived at the station, went in there to get tickets, all sudden , yes that overwhelming, feeling hit me i felt like screaming, because i was so uncomfortable, frustration , confusion. everything feels as if your in a mirror , and everyone is looking at you in very , uncomfortable way so anxiety hits you with a bomb , then anxious, feelings start to hit you .
Mark! are you going be okay, while i go to take John, to toilet dude, i think he could tell i wasn't feeling comfortable .
Me ! Yes,sure ill sit down on the bags, ill be fine i am overwhelmed, not much of conversation , out me because i was not feeling okay you cant , help way you feel , in them situations , but i try my absolute best to overcome, them sometimes, it works , and sometimes, i can shut down and go into aggressive , anger, tears , of a meltdown , again i haven't had these with Team , or Mark , but with everyone else i have had huge , panic attacks over social, situations, that i am very uncomfortable with when at that stage , i have to be restrained , to calm me down and to stop me hurting, my self.
I said when Mark, John, came back is it time' to go now because if am honest , i just wanted get hell out were i was if am stuck , and not moving , i can become very anxious , if am moving i am more relaxed , mellow , calm .
Mark! say's not yet dude, just relax , at that point i didn't feel relaxed.
Then it was , time to get on coach, Mark, John, said 3 tickets, for Glasgow.
Okay, said buss driver.
I then gave my bag to driver, off we went on the coach , i was looking for a back seat so i couldn't, sit next to anyone because John, & Mark , had there own seats , and i didn't feel comfortable, sitting with anyone else at that point with being , overwhelmed , i could feel my self getting into a meltdown but i sat in back seat, didn't speak a word for 4 hours point being i hate coaches .
I listened to my Techno, put my sunglasses, on because that made me feel better .
So 7 hour's on the way to Glasgow, we had pack lunch, from John , and his wife but we didn't really eat , in till 4 hours into journey or maybe three then Mark, came to see if i was okay.
Mark ! you okay, dude, do you want some food.
I pulled, my headphones, off .
Me ! Yes please man , felt lot better still had them feelings, come ago .
But after being , able to deal with it after , i think i was worrying my mum with texting her
I felt okay afterwards, when i had food.
I remembering textin my mum .
Mum How is it on the coach , ok i hope .
Me! i hate, it so far am at the back so am away from all the surroundings .
Mum ! That's good try, and enjoy a new experience
Me! Yes i am trying no one has sat next to me yet so all okay so far
Me ! I feel, your all forcing , me to thing am very, uncomfortable , with .
Mum ! This will be good for you , just think of it as expedition Stop worrying just sleep, and drink water you will be fine .
To be honest , i thought that coach , journey , personally from it as if i went down to hell and into nightmare , the way i felt but it had to be done to overcome , my daily struggles, on learning to go more independent, well i still have Mark, with me if i ever need help .
If that was me travelling, on my own 1 , i get lost , or into argument , with the driver, 2 i end up 3 chucked of the buses , then in different mind set of being unsafe , reason being if i don't have anyone i trust around me like mum, dad, friends , Mark, climbers, i find it very difficult to go outside for walk on my own , because i can feel everything going in waves , and i cant tell if am making , daft faces , if am out in public , because i feel , anxious uncomfortable , lost , confused , frustrated, but when i am surrounded , by people who care , for me and my well being , i feel safe , so i can be relaxed , am complete different , than if i was on my own , i get all them things coming in waves , and massive pebbles , stones, and as if storm hits you . that's how it feels , so i don't think i could travel, on my own with out special , support like i have had all my life , from friends , family , and support cares.
Maybe , in few years once i find my way, eventually , i will be able to accomplish more things in my life with travelling on my own with out parents support , services, friends , taking steps first in till i am ready to fight , more battles . never say never though.
So again each' day is a game , and a fight , its how i live my life .
As soon as we got off that coach , i felt much better.
I was worried , at that stage if i was going on buses , after we arrived in Glasgow , then Euan saved the day .
Mark ! said Euan , is picking us up on coach.
Me ! Phewwwwf , in my head thank god for that .
So we got of coach , then seen Euan , Heeyyyy man shaked hand's and huggs, Me ! i am good, man good been long time since we last Euan , since he was down filming in North wales .
Meeting him through , Mark , Euan Wills are Film-makers, of Final Crux films awesome dudes, with big potential in there filming , and photography wishing , them all best with there career, believe chances are sky is the limit .
Mark, Euan , chatted in car , about Glasgow, and brave heart, and films , questions .
Asking how are journey , went was feeling abit tired, and just was glad to be inside of a car .
We all was on route , to meet Colin, in Glasgow first time meeting the para team i think
Part 3 to be continued .
