Second week, into my jogging , and its come to a stand, point again first it was not having transport getting to places, and costs, wise now its depression, i cant win, because i am to depressed , to go outside or even to a climbing, wall , i am frustrated, angry, annoyed , with preparing my things for Eiger, trip i don't like to do things week before or 2 weeks , i like plan ahead to be Organized, but i have nothing in front of me to visualise what i have need, first of i don't have right kit, for the Expedition, and been told to not spend , any my money, on some adidas , glasses, for the trip or even climbing , trousers, if i am feeling like this way i am at this moment i wont go in public, because i cant concentrate, i done press-ups at home today, and push-ups stretching , but no aerobics, i cant face going outside.
I am on urge on self destruct , everything i do is a fucking, battle even if its slightest , example, it could be reading, books, to things like press-ups pull-ups , push, ups i mean i am into my 3rd year on training , now something has to give on remembering , i sit down relax, try stay calm, then i get confused, on how many numbers, i done in my head , that chucks , me to braking point , i was bashing, my head against a brick wall , and trying knock my self out with full bottle water, today .
I don't like surprises, i rather have the stuff , i need in front of me then i no am organized.
So once, again shit week, i am sick things making me fall back when i am on track , when am really focused, and one slight thing that's it am back to that dark place.
Who know's how ill be only 4 weeks , in-till this expedition, and all that seems to be happening, to me is load of meltdowns, its hard , for someone say snap , out of it go out running, climbing, sit back relax, count to 10 , well sorry that doesn't work , because when i feel like way i am i don't want to be around anyone , friends, family .
This is what , i face, daily, these are my struggles, you cant expect, me to feel okay, when deep down i am not feeling good in my self, and seeing my achievements, way i want to see them feel them in my training, everyone says i am doing well, and great , but to me it feels , as if am starting , from bottom each , time i am doing these things.
I no some , people, have there good days when training, bad days , but am sure , it don't feel as if there starting from bottom each time .
So today, i am hating, everything , and talking, if i talk, to much that seems to get on peoples nervous, conversations, texting, social media, i cant win with anything i try do everything, just feels as if the world, is against me with everything i try learn , and focus, and put my heart sole into , courage, determination , and dedication.
Sometimes it could be Athletics, Roller Hockey , ICT , Wood Work , Electricians, Painting Decorating , Drama , Ice Hockey , i done all them and put my heart into them , and still felt the same as i do now .
I just want to be able to stick, at something , work hard at it and accomplish, it .
And still , its not as easy, to ask for help ,any more am feeling , at this moment , that i cant express, things i want to say , any more and it feels , to me that i don't have a brain, that works . when i need it most in learning more about life , about others, about being focused, i feel , that no one understands me .
and no one will ever understand way i am as Autistic, only ones that will understand is ones that are Autistic, and that's a fact .
and no one will ever understand way i am as Autistic, only ones that will understand is ones that are Autistic, and that's a fact .
There is big difference, when i go to a climbing, wall or to local, Indy, wall or beacon , or being in mountains, woods , waterfalls, in nature, i feel my self, but when i am outside in the big open world , i don't feel like i belong , in this world.
from a book i am reading i don't understand , how to explain it over as if am reading and i mean concentration is really focused still nothing like when am having conversations, with friends, family, people.
I say oh sorry am confused once again i gone dull, and try stop it focus and still feels as if my body is floating around in mid fucking air , and i love to read, i don't understand book's i read, i just want a understanding , i am sick of this theory of the mind on being confused daily , i have embraced, fact i am Autistic, but being confused , about things you love, and enjoy most, is nuff to drive you stir crazy.
I hate , fact that i cant do things i enjoy most, with out having someone there in case i am danger hazard on my self , with getting hurt but i mean my coach , mark friend tells me same things over over repetitive i thank him for everything , but if i try explaining it over to someone , its said backwards or in wrong way , then stutter stutter , i hate fact i cant explain , things over in less its in a story, or text . why does it have to be every person has to explain , them self s over 5 four 3 times to me so i have understanding .
I just want , my brain , body to understand things , and learn , instead taking, 3 years just learn few things then boom once someone asks me question , i have said it in wrong way then it don't make any sense to me or anyone. then people .
Something has to give , i am 25 now and things should get , better or else how will i cope , in the future.
Do people say things to me to make me feel better, i really don't no i genuinely, don't understand i no lot do actually mean what they say .
Quote from book , i am reading .
The image is uplifting, suggesting as it does that we sit like mountains, feeling rooted, massive, and unmoving in our posture. Our arms are the sloping sides of the mountain, our head the lofty peak, the whole body majestic and magnificent, as mountains tend to be. We are sitting in stillness, just being what we are, just as a mountain “sits” unmoved by the changing of day into night and the changes of the weather and of the seasons. The mountain is always itself, always present, grounded, rooted in the earth, always still, always beautiful. It is beautiful just being what it is, seen or unseen, snow- covered or green, rained on or wrapped in clouds. This image of the mountain sitting sometimes helps us to remember and feel our own strength and intentionality within the sitting meditation practice as the sunlight begins to wane in the room in the late afternoon and our day together moves toward its natural conclusion. It reminds us that we might look upon some of the changes we are experiencing in our own minds and bodies as internal weather patterns. The mountain reminds us that we can remain stable and balanced in our sitting and in our lives in the face of the storms that sometimes arise within our minds and bodies.
