I never wanted to tell anyone i had autism ...

( Fitting in at mainstream school's )

I never fitted in at any schools, i was always   alone felt like i had no one even tho you had a circle, you would see ,  and to this day as adult feels as if no one understands me ,  was bullied as a kid in out school's, fighting, with all peers, individuals, teacher's,  put back behind in school, cause society then classed us as the un-smart people , i couldn't read, or write, had have speech, language therapy, wanted just be like the other cool kid's on block . So i no how this girl, felt and she was Autistic,

( Opening up about a Diagnosis)

I never wanted to tell anyone  i had autism , let alone write & say what i feel inside me as person, now. as kid, i never use want ask teachers, for help, if i was stuck, or listen , i use to just sit-down and blank every word they said by going silent, not even single word came out my mouth.
Because personally i think no one understood me back then and now as adult don't think people understand me now .  Like as Autistic person to me i think its from life perspective , evolution , we are all evolving as individuals, so what if society classes us different, its way of thinking creating, our colours, idea's , imagination, yet you are always going have other's that are not going to see from your perspective, on way we see world , smell , things , touch things , hear , things , but who care's that's there opinions right , I no we get are meltdown's,  who care's because that is who we are embrace who we are as individuals, and forget what other's think about us we are beautiful people , in our hearts & minds ,   we see are life's in pictures, and make that picture come to reality in life , some day we all will be on that magic, rainbow, looking down at the Judgemental people who said we never make it and  have high expectations, well fuck you am here now you saying we cant do things makes us determined prove them all wrong . and focus the drive,  to prove who said why do we do that as in the  un ordinary way.  I just no that beautiful girl, is on her rainbow now smiling , at us all . no more hurtful days now darling, you can go creative as much as you want , because there is world up there full of magical, colours, welcome to narina

(Socializing  and making close friends)

Socializing as a kid, for me was very hard thing to do no one would really speak to me only the older kid's now and again  felt like i had no friends , i remember use go sit on table on my own for dinner's food , at one point i thought forget having food because everything was overwhelming people laughing at me chucking chips ,so thought just go on adventure out side school, and sit on my own .

Same in classrooms , i wanted focus do my work but was bullied by peers even teachers would laugh at me in mainstreams ,  i was only tiny person as little boy , so i use be kicked out grabbed by ears, and then sent to head office couldn't see me so they use ring up my parents, so socializing was hard thing to do back then . and making friends , so i can relate to lot how this girl must felt , having your circle but not circle when you needed them the most . although i had childhood, people i see but they  was in higher above classes, as said was put back in each school , i say people understood me better when chose get home tutored and being away at school, were teachers  taught me become person i am today by the help i had over there , pushed me to read , write and even do GCSE's . I just wish that girl never gave up on fighting the demons, but can understand why because life everyday for autistic's is hard . seems only way out to go to that's creative world you have in your mind and heart . for things be happy'r .

(Meltdowns's ) Are not a sign of bad  behaviour, there signs of communication , on them trying show some individuals to try see through there eyes on perspective of there life . collections, coping mechanisms, or even trying show that they are asking for help. go on the journey with autistic, learn new things . from life perspective, on how a world they create works for some not all .

This girl seems very similar, to me people often say to me am geeky, and i love films . directors,
seems as if she couldn't accept that she was Autistic, i feel same on most day's when times hit there all time low and i think of suicidal, attempts by having knife on my neck and wanting to cut through the bone or even smashing plates over my forehead , and cutting my arms ,  I think   we see the negative rather than the positive, i think reasons is behind this might be a small minded tool of girls saying we are dum demons, evil, cant do things . look at her look at him . then we over think them situations more to than other people. from her story she seems like she wanted learn more about Autism but couldn't come to terms with it . i think soon someone put's you into this box it effect's your self-esteem your mind , imagination, and creativity . That's actually how i am when am good am fantastic , when i loose it i really do i go into a lock down , were i feel overwhelmed by everything seems only way out is by hurting your self . i slam doors , smash things , i use turn my room upside down rip wall papers off , bed was smashed to pieces , shout scream , tears of anger laugh , while punching my self in face , roll my head back fourth in till i have carpet burns , shouting swearing calling names saying most terrible   things  . i just wanted be my self Jamie .

(observed )

Being watched all time or going see doctors , all time saying same story over - over can drain you and them taking same notes , is not good at young age but for 16 years age for this girl , and then you being open them telling your parents , in case you was going hurt your self . i didn't tell others that many things when i was little .


(Communication)  before death ,

I think it seems this girl could only communicate with saying her feelings, down on paper , exactly what i can do to communicate  ,  what is it to do with doctor's on what this girl was doing or going , am sure she was off to library, or something to read books.  she felt alone , and wanted to tell her friends , how she felt , but couldn't , and her friends should been with her at time she felt low and high but this is what people wont see from what Autistic's are going feel like at there bad times, Someone can meet us all for first time and think their is nothing wrong with him or her .

(Creative)

People often say to me i am articulate and have articulate intelligence

This girl reminds me of my self , i feel how she feel's everyday, on wanting leave the world i live in

she was a very private young woman  she was a bright witty talented girl and she had much to look forward to in her life''. i also tried  to hang my self when i was lot younger,  than this beautiful  outgoing girl . but cable snapped on me we need more awareness out there for High-functioning Autism.

The dark side to Autistic's . Underneath sun there is smiles laughter joy, colours , Beyond the moon there is dark black shadow's , so don't judge by looking into the person eyes'


Thanks for reading Jamie .

Embrace what makes you Unique ,

Collective....

How I describe, me being Autistic, is am collective, in things I like. I obsess, over majority, of amount of things. I have passions, desires, expectations, for lot of  things. That not many understand were i  am coming from & have strong beliefs, opinions, and my perspectives, and imagination, creativity is very high- and set-out i visual my life as pictures,  , I have serious meltdowns, if am feeling at my lowest, but if am in relaxed environment, am perfectly okay. if I feel provoked, I am not okay it  can cause me have serious problems, with society,& the  public. It all depends what state of mind, and frame of mindset, I am in at that moment.

 if I have generally lot things in front of me written, down I can remember things visualise what I have seen. 

But communication, in talking to people expressing, over is very hard thing to do for me . Also. i feel my characteristics are judged constantly is lot do with how I feel as well in society, if I feel unsafe I kick off only to protect my self, from being hurt by peers, individuals, but if am comfortable I am very relaxed as person. food stuffs can sometimes can be Distressed & texture with feel and touch to things , can be hard to explain over to someone . I can sometimes get the wrong end of conversations, clothing causes me major problems, at home and outside, I try overcome these things as much as possible, but some days can be at its worse . 

Were I feel down about my  life, so everyday is battle. But what I have learnt is not to take out my problems on people that genuine trying to help me . 

But at home I have sensory overload were everything hits me at once, i have  fits and roll around the  floor on really worse days. 

 I mask all i can  and have lots strategy's but sometimes you feel as if you cant be your autistic happy self in case people stare look and say what's wrong with him.  , All I can do when am out in big  wide world is overcome my challenges i face on daily basis in everyday life is  by being strong minded.   
 My issues  in public , sometimes all depends if your not provoked  by society. 

Sometimes when am at my worse   in my life  my mum dad  have to restrain me for not hurting my self. 

So living with Autism isn't all smiles as people see it . That's why everything is hidden every day is battle. 

But only way is overcome the bad days by fighting and finding solutions to the problems we face.

I see my psychologist, and she's amazing also i  Climb, & try interact- social communication,  
 best way possibly can. 

also I do lots mindfulness exercises that helps . But my  anxiety is getting worse and getting everyday is not helping my life  on being anxious. 

So from young age I was on all sorts medication  now I have said I'll try it again to see if  it makes me feel better, if it has  any side effects am coming straight off them . 

But climbing is medicine to me but cant always climb ;-( on my worse of days ,  hope this information helps , thank's for visiting my page   Jamie.

Living being Autistic

This is me Living with Autism, life can have its ups's &  down's. You can have good days, bad days,  But on good days you feel really high & hyperactive imagination,  creative, on your outlook perspective, on life. On way you see the world and not by no one telling you how to live your colourful rainbow world,   by  feeling,  good in your self , and around other people, peers, individuals, but on bad, days, you can hit all time low, were you isolate, your self, you feel really lonely, inside depressed, upset but no emotion shows just anger, hate towards your self, & people around you , Self-harm , head-banging against a wall , or scraping your head across the floor & a stone spiky wall,  chucking your self of the stairs  having fits , meltdowns , when people touch you think that there actually burning you but there just calming you down  ,  and having no understanding about little things in life , and self doubting your self if you said right thing in conversation , even thou the words are coming out and your speech is sounding okay to someone else , your then thinking should i said that always going into your head looking for answers,     on thinking how change your perspective, so people can understand way you see the world,  you could have 100's friends but everyday you feel as if you have no friends that understand,   , you feel as if you don't have any friends, even though you have lots behind you who are genuine and that  care , but it just doesn't feel that way  to me on everyday life , but you try see the bigger picture , go out smiling and overcome the struggles , but on everyday life you feel as if your left out , you feel as if  its hard to have conversation ,  if its not said in right context way , you feel as if there is no communication, on a conversation, and your then thinking are my boring that person on my topics , interests collections , so that makes you have bad day , but you just have to accept this who i am , i can keep fighting overcoming my goals , through out my life , and learn to accept my self and not let being Autistic defeat me , just embrace the beauty and uniqueness, for me to lead better mindful life. 

My life has not been walk in park,  i have had to overcome lot struggle in my life to get this far, on telling my story's . 

i find it so hard to express out-loud  , & communicate, with people, but from writing this tells others, and keep learning more about strategy's  so i can have better life , and Climb because that's what helps me the most , and being surrounded by lovely beautiful people , because  on the  good days things feel amazing , on bad days , i think the worse of things i hurt my self , self-doubt on trying to interact , but what need learn is everyone cares , and keep fighting the demons , and everything will be sweet daisy's.

(Why fit in when you were born  STANDOUT! Dr.sesuss) 

Hakuna Matata

Topic

What is communication ?? because when i am trying make conversation it seems to the other person  that am going to fast for them Huh or boring them its as if my my ears are listening but my mind  body is floating away somewhere else. This  is very hard thing for me in conversations , because i am interested in what that individual is saying to me    , and people say try these strategies look at there forehead look at the nose just try looking at that person they told me am not making eye contact so if am looking at the nose and there eyes sometimes when am comfortable if not then i don't look at them at all  so i ask my self this question what are my eyes looking at ?? , but still i always seem over analyze  that situation think to my self hmm have i said right thing or have i annoyed that person then am analyzing everything in detail ,

I guess social interaction effects how we been treated in past in school bullied by verbal words
and being autistic does that effect how we communicate with one another in society well my reasons am asking about this because people seem think what ever i do or say i am either to deep with words and conversations , but all i am trying to do is social interact yes i can speak talk so that makes me non verbal does not mean i dont have autism , i love the way people put you in this box and think right away oh there's nothing wrong him , if things was really fine would i ask questions on communication and reasons behind this cause lot people suffer with what is called theory of the mind , they keep saying to me let the past go with what happened in school and trying to fit-in  for being different and no i am not Rain man !! so take me to that place  Hanuka matata

Stand by me

Stand by me 

Am i wired ? 
Yeah But so What ? Everybody's weird 

"Hi my name is Jamie 25 years old who has (Autism ) adult diagnosis, Child diagnosis d.a.m.p also in process on getting re diagnosis  now as adult , since i understand more stuff now in my life rather than when i was a little child not having understanding with anything at all before when i was Child,   I couldn't read or understand books or didn't no how to socialize with peers, but i have come along way through battling its not been easy for me, more case i cant write to save my life , I am always in strict routine with doing things and if am not doing them activities i have a Bad day and just shut everyone out like whole world but what has changed my life is Climbing with helping me with my coordination confidence  self-esteem feeling safe not having worry on what society classes everyone  I can't say on how much it's helped me with battles had go through in my life on being away at young age in school special needs boarding residential  hard for my parents but to me I thought It was walk in park still most kids be home with there family! I was in out meetings with doctors key workers on all kinds medication effecting my appetite my moods just making you feel what I call star trekked meaning by you are frazzled no communication not even function in your body  , so what climbing has done & is being with people who are like minded creative like same things of my special interests has helped me in loads ways with  working my brain a lot better understanding certain information being more focused with daily routines & more just everything in general with my life now as I hit 20 than when I understood loads things , but what am trying get across is if you teach autistic kid child in steps gradually he will find his path journey,   on living with autism don't make them do things there not comfortable in doing or forcing your how you grew up & parents  ideas on to them because they will get creative in stuff they feel happy in doing stop think & listen to what he or she has to say never no about the Autistic ways with life optimistic is the key  .. 

Also Things to do with Extreme sports i love outdoors environment , hiking ,surfing ,  cliff jumping everything with adventures you can call me wine Frodo . living on wild side 

Also like lots kinds of underground (60's 70's 80's 90's ) i dont like cheese or commercial but artist or musicians that  are fantastic i will buy there album only occasionally will buy a album , also into clubbing music  Techno, Trance, House, Hip-hop,  Reggae  D&B, Ambient , Opra , Jazz , Soul , Blues , Country ,   Music , Disney , Films Action,  Adventure, Romance , Chickflicks , Cartoons , Horror , Thriller , Family , Animation , Western , Comedy , Fantasy , Historical , Philosphical , Saga , Wildlife ,   Truestory's ,   Tv shows , History, Culture , Art , Drama , Science , Ancient ECt 

 I found  it very hard  & difficult to fit in with others when I was kid & peers when i went away I was in a dark place at age 12 years old to when I went boarding school when times were really hard tough. 

But it had changed my life from having the help I needed support down there  since the teachers at mainstream and at home in school didn't give a shit or  no how to deal with autism. 

plus one to one help connects in more ways with  the teachers  they get to understand you and  your self more than a mainstream Teacher.

Doctors saying you never be able ride bike go on pair skates well I was determined prove show the world wrong.

My achievements was been able to play Ice Hockey & Roller Hockey and i did done that for four years in a team as well so no one can tell you that you wont be able do things in your life , tried  playing football for a team but was all over the place couldn't get on with any my team mates cause they were just Judgmental peers .. Always struggled with everything i done. 

But now that i got older its better to talk about things rather than keep it all on your mind.

So express what you feel to others such as parents doctors about your lows and your highs , still get good days bad days everyday , but wont let it define me as person

To all that are struggling with things you have Gift at the end of day try new things on no matter what the outcome is , 

battle on through , Each goal you do is Achievement even if you don't see it at first,

 just wanted to share this with you all .. it might not make sense but i wrote it out in best possible way i could , to try explain my Story p.s Jamie" 

my world is differnt . 

I am what you call collective person only ones that no my interests are the ones that really listen , well the rest they ain't worrying or careing  about  & really don't no my personality character or interests as person in my eyes 

 Me at my  first BMC Paraclimb Comp!

Mark's story  as you see it was fantastic comp so we had celebrations on chardonnay 


Happy Go lucky go lucky

Coaching and climbing with Jay has possibly been the most inspiring climbing journey that I have been on for a while. Watching him face the difficulties of climbing combined with the other challenge that is in his life has been humbling.

In between, climbing sessions where he works hard at learning how to be calm clipping a quick draw on lead and not get frustrated, when he is learning not to think about the confusions of right and left and to try to slow everything down when everything is telling him to hurry, in between this we had a great chat about his life and mine.

To sit down and hear a young man with autism be open about the challenges it has caused him to just live and the methods he uses to manage the best life for himself and his awareness of his own bravery and that it has ultimately been about how he has chosen to face his autism and how the world looks at him as he looks back at it was amazing and has left me feeling pretty humbled about my own difficult childhood and challenges I faced.

He lead his strong ass up the steep wall of the Beacon today fighting every difficult clip with such determination and bravery when he had only just learned how to find a solution for managing the magnified frustration of clipping a rope through the quick draw whilst under the weird sensation of being on the lead was just inspiring for me. Well done Jay 'stomping' Owen!

My story to my coach

"My Joruney with my coach were do i start , How i met was bouldering at beacon climbing wall not haveing no clue how to do boulder problem so i asked someone for advice got chatting was very friendly helping me so i thoght yes took his advice then tryed that boulder problem falling over but saying to my self Jamie you can do this dont let nothing try stopp me i no it takes me longer to work things out and go over over in my head to understand But once i have that momentum on doing things it starts work my brain lot more. Haveing the abilty to be Training on my own other times was harder with out being pushed but sometimes i would boulder with Emlyn pushing each other and to me problems not easy its what your body and finger tips are use to plus doing moves right , with me i was falling all over place quadronation was all over the shop , one thing i never thoght to my self is dont you dare Give up on that boulder problem even if its pushing you to limits for example getting blisters each day use kill but got use to that feeling, then after think it was Year bouldering . I emailed Mark on coaching lesssons said to my Dad to meet Mark and come down and speak on my behalf since he is my next kin , to explain on my Autism on how it effects me with learning things doing things but he said he can help and met loads people in my life saying they Help and fucking toright he was Right , Being in my own world not about being differnt about understanding that person and i thank everyone i have by me every step way meeting great people enviroment on life its self i wont step my self into bad enviroment to cause Anxiety anxious feelings melts downs with certain peers or places or haveing mixed overwhelming feelings , But climbing has helped me loads with interaction socializing confidence has helped lot with climbing i say is medicine to me and it just helps with things i do to day to day life , and haveing Mark as my coach now he understands way i climb but not only that i have fully trust in talking about things that would never speak out only people close to me no what means lott as well , and much i am for typeing down my thoghts not so good on doing storys on my life , Climbing aspects helps me mentally physically but the Journey has helped loads still not end am still going have so much Determination in me and Dedication and help from my amazing coach Mark as well he's insperation on way he helps me with things we be chilled out mother fuckers in our sessions and pushes me to my limits intill am beasted and cant climb no more , that's what i like ill always push my self intill body cant take it no more and brain its self . 1st Achivement on climbing in Paraclimbing for catogory Autism won medal was so pleased got on the redwine chardonnnayy fantastic celebrations so again i thank my Coach and Gwyn his wife driveing down Manchester for Experienceing and being Inspired its self by watching all the other climbers on other abiltys was amazing , but Mark is still pushing me to my limits on climbing , campus board system board then going bolt to bolt 7A immense ill keep pushing as much body brain will take me , still have lot to be up against but i say for my self feeling strong , am keep going , if can over come lot Goals through out my life well am sure ill be able undertake these not end Jamie :------)"

Edward Scissorhands

Cheers from the Pyrenees!

Not only my coach but also great guy and who has had massive impact on my life and generally understands me as person &   my world the wacky kinda place it is cheer's Mark McGowan

The Mad Hatter

Have I Gone mad ?

Alice

"I'm afraid so, You're entirely

bonkers. But I'll tell you secret All the best people are



Well today i went beacon climbing after going sleep at 8pm then woke up at 1am then my brain was on rush dial i could not attempted go sleep because i was trying think of ideas for my book and also this blog i have done , talk about confused times man , so i done my story had good new's about it and well great feed back from mark him self also few people all over world are looking at the blogger well glad your keeping eye on my blog means so much to me , so trying get energy today was very hard we warmed up on some nice problems to focus we firstly done bouldering.

 Then i put my harness on went up 6b on auto belay man considering that went pretty well with how much i was lacking energy then up down wall in till i was major pumped out my skull me Mark was pushing each other and the intense sessions are back  i felt it today his coaching is remarkable i reckon there's high hopes  for  Mark as my coach also close friend the guy's a dude we just chill relax back stretching while hitting the pain barrier aha , done on sight on lead today with 6A yellow on new routes  the moves was powerful strong reason being its from the setter  Alex stone mason  ,but was lack of concentration today since got to  bed late i really need start my melotonin again it relaxed my brain to sleep well i have a new psychologist  to see to after the new year  very soon looking forward to actually meeting her as well now that there's more help available , so after doing few routes we then just done more bouldering , i actually was pleased considering how tired i actually was ,

Then we done slabs v4 managed it on 5 attempts but that's thing am not really debating my self on performance at moment as Mark says things will happen with out me knowing , had about 2 coffees some really nice mochlato ones as well with chocolate yum yummy , so then mark said will just boulder so we did and stretched zenith feeling was back while chilling back , not sure if am still there now am still really tired , but great session awesome day , now time for glass red wine Sto bevendo vino rosso acclamazioni amici drinking redwine cheers friends :) 

Not looking into a Camera with we are the three little Bears ... Autism

Once upon time liveing in my world were dreams can become real the journey that turns Mama Bears into Solid Grizzlies Autism
we all live in crazy mad world were its wacky place but also beautiful  imaginable creative this is my story from childhood to adult hood Autistics are just different. Autistics have their strengths and weakness, too often we miss the strengths and fixate on the weaknesses
People assume that Autism is just like the movie Rain Man well this is my story on my life with  being Autistic

This is start of my book am in middle of writeing its going take long time to do and am not sure even if it will get published , i need friends people who me no to write some things about the character i am in there wacky little world so i can type it into my story it would mean lot to me thanks ever so much one love Jamie

Chapter 1  Running  Wild  in The Thornberrys