believing in the unthinkable

Preparing, for a week trip, with para climbers and team.

Packing my rucksack was a big nightmare for me since i don't have all my gear, but can say its slowly getting there maybe to 5 years, ill finally have my full kit .

There were  few up's downs kick off-s but like my mum says to me Jamie ! you will be sorted , stop worrying about packing , Me Mum! i am very organized person , when it comes to routine, schedule, timing, dates , all planning , i get very anxious, if things are not set in way i like them to be .

Then kick off if am confused, and frustrated, and fly things around objects , because i have no control when i hit a meltdown and more case do more harm to my self than others around me ,  sometimes meditation, works sometimes it doesn't depending on how i am feeling that week or day but when it comes to Organizing i can get very, hot headed and bad moods and confused , with what i am trying to do  but once i calm , down my parents, help me .

So next morning, i rushed , to Joe Browns after searching, high low for cheapish season 4 bag i finally had money to buy Mountain Equipment one.

Colours are life with me also i just love colours ,  with being Autistic, things i buy, have be kept as collections, objects , because i hate lending, and having borrow then giving  them back after with them going on adventure, journey, with me that's anxious for me as well but you cant say sometimes because i don't want come across as selfish because i am far from selfish person , not in my characteristics, to be like that.

So i kept , searching for things before agreeing , with lending i suppose i can deal with saying yes some times but if i am fixated, then nothing can change my mind .

   As i had most things already packed, in the bag i had 6 pairs boxers , 6 pairs t-shirts , 6 pairs socks , 6 pairs vests, Harness, Gloves, Coat, Rab, Jacket , 4 Hats 2 Pairs Trousers  My mum ! saying you don't, need that much stuff Jamie ! your going to the middle no where .

Me Mum! i need all this stuff, so i feel better that i can put things into order, when i get out there like place them in order so that make's things feel good about my day hence my repetitive, routine i constantly have as Adult 25 still have help with lot things as i can get confused, if i can visualise what i have in front of me   then its okay, but some times it not okay for me . i just try deal , with all the confusion , since i started speak up now its sort of helped me .

So i am ready, all packed, after a week, of worrying if i wouldn't have my things in place, my nana' and taid drove me for sleeping bag and came in when i went pick it so we adventured, to Llanber's a beautiful place of the homelands , as i am not city boy . welsh lands just like Lord of the Rings .

So all that was left, was to wait for my coach, who my dad went to get before we went of to stay in Birmingham, to stay at John Churcher's house a friend , and a para athlete for GB so 2 hours i think! we stopped of at starbucks, for a coffee, and rest , Mum ! you go in get coffee, i was starting to get overwhelmed, soon got in there i just wanted to get my order, done

The woman at star bucks, Hi can i help, you Me ! yes ill have 3 coffees please. Me ! my mum has not give me right money , ill leave mine thanks .

 So we in car we went  to get to the city, life Oh ! fuck i was thinking my head cant handle , city's , but were John lived was such beautiful place full lovely nice houses , still not fan on city , life .

We arrived , at Birmingham got all my bags outside, the car said good bye to my mum dad , they Dad, be safe Me! as a joke its okay, if don't come back you can always visit me as frozen, statue in glen coe Scotland jokes, laughs, Bye-bye.

See you when i get back , have amazing time mum! be safe ,  dad it will be unreal experience.

Jon , welcomed  me mark in his home, i said hello to his wife, she was very, nice with me  we then joined , them for food ,   we then chilled out John showed me his cool , coffee, latte, machine , and all his cool photos, and glasses, pictures, Teddy's .

Me ! is it okay to have look, at your collections , of glasses John Me! is it okay to touch them John ! dont brake them Me ! i wont i am very careful with things .

Mark, John was talking , about Eiger arrangements , and competitions, sponsors ,   all was on my mind, after that long day is i was thinking Wine Frodo, is on tour in Uk

i  Wanted take trip, to near shop for some red wines , So off we went to Aldi, heck that experience, was very overwhelming for me . i was like pick some Rioja , now & get out .

I think i handled it well though . Till girl ! just this , Me ! yes thank you , nearly forgotten my pin i was like please don't happen now it felt like everyone was looking at me i felt , like hail stones , were launching at me in my head , i just wanted rush , and get hell out there . safe say i hate supermarkets.

Me ! i didn't enjoy that then Mark !

Mark i could tell you were starting get very anxious ,

Me !yes it was evolving into meltdown.

So me Mark ,John walked , back to his house after going Aldi.

Got back into house , we then said are cheer,s with vino, am sure, i frazzled , Johns wife and Marks, heads after we stayed at Johns i kept asking them load questions , Mark ! let John finish his sentence Me Okay ! i kept talking over people , that's habit for people that Autistic , I was on subject , on about Hats's while everyone wanted chill out like say i sure was Wine, Frod'ed but Wine, Frodo had fantastic, night at Birmingham, in John's house hold thanks for the hospitality.


  And we also talked , saying how pleased about the trip in July we all are with way all our training, is going now ready for Switzerland , after our weekend in glen coe .

Me ! i don't think my fitness is there yet , Mark ! was casually just wanting listen to his music, Mark don't worry dude , will get there .

Me ! ill just keep training , and doing things repetitive ways

Cheers , with are wines , the wines clash, together , right time for bed , now sleep so we are fresh for tomorrow 7 hour journey to Glasgow,

Thank you John , said are nights . of i went to sleep .

To be continued , part 1 , part to is trip to Colin's house and coach journey



Part 2 Heading, on over to Glasgow .

So i woke, up in the morning , didn't even feel hungover, after the wines following night had plenty sleep i suppose , i went downstairs had breakfast with Mark, John , then afterwards went up stairs to pack my stuff, ready for trip to Glasgow.

Mark, ! is your stuff, packed do you have everything dude !

Me ! yes everything , is packed i think :L

so i had to double check , everything was in order like i said before i get confused, so if i don't have anyone like mentor, by my side like my mum, dad, friends , i can get overloaded and end up having,  big meltdown's either in house, or in public .

 So Mark, helps me remember, things by saying things repetitive, i really am humbled , on the help i get from people, because i no at times, i can be hard, to be around when i am having meltdowns, but not once so far have i had meltdown with Eiger team or Mark, touch, wood, when at home its consistent, day in day out i mean there really bad from wanting, to hurt my self to extreme, point .

I think it went okay, for me when i was away, with team , there were times i could feel, my self getting annoyed with being confused, though but i just have mask . other wise ill bring everyone down on that ship, with me and i don't want that i face fighting these demons, all by my self .



Me ! So i say , i am not frazzling your head now no Mark ! with forgetting , with saying same things over over but in different, way.

Mark say's no its cool, ill tell you if you are frazzling my brain .

So everything, was cool i was all packed, and ready to go .

John called, up a taxi, and we went outside to wait for it to arrive , we then put all are bags, in boot at that point i thought lost my iPod, so i was busy, looking for that Mark ! says you ready, now

Me ! In mood because, i thought lost a iPod, so i was frustrated, and my tone voice, was very low .

I am ready, so i put my pack back in boot, and off we went to get drop ed of at Birmingham, coach station .

At that point, i was thinking oh shit, i hate coaches , but i can tolerate, them more than i can  buses, because seats, are not facing different angles , so your thinking your staring, at people, when your not and everything, feels as if massive tornado, has hit you because your that overwhelmed, by being on  buses, so my point , i hate buses, with a passion .

So anyway, we arrived at the station, went in there to get tickets, all sudden , yes that overwhelming, feeling hit me i felt like screaming, because i was so uncomfortable, frustration , confusion. everything feels as if your in a mirror , and everyone is looking at you in very , uncomfortable way so anxiety hits you with a bomb , then anxious, feelings start to hit you .

Mark! are you going be okay, while i go to take John, to toilet dude, i think he could tell i wasn't feeling comfortable .

Me ! Yes,sure ill sit down on the bags, ill be fine  i am overwhelmed, not much of conversation , out me because i was not feeling okay you cant , help way you feel , in them situations , but i try my absolute best to overcome, them sometimes, it works , and sometimes, i can shut down and go into aggressive , anger, tears , of a meltdown , again i haven't had these with Team , or Mark , but with everyone else i have had  huge , panic attacks over social, situations, that i am very uncomfortable with when at that stage , i have to be restrained , to calm me down and to stop me hurting, my self.

I said when Mark, John, came back is it time' to go now because if am honest , i just wanted get hell out were i was if am stuck , and not moving , i can become very anxious , if am moving i am more relaxed , mellow , calm .

Mark! say's not yet dude, just relax , at that point i didn't feel relaxed.

Then it was , time to get on coach, Mark, John, said 3 tickets, for Glasgow.

Okay, said buss driver.

I then  gave my bag to driver, off we went on the coach , i was looking for a back seat so i couldn't, sit next to anyone because John, & Mark , had there own seats , and i didn't feel comfortable, sitting with anyone else at that point with being , overwhelmed , i could feel my self getting into a meltdown but i sat in back seat, didn't speak a word for 4 hours point being i hate coaches .

I listened to my Techno, put my sunglasses, on because that made me feel better .

So 7 hour's on the way to Glasgow, we had pack lunch, from John , and his wife but we didn't really eat , in till 4 hours into journey or maybe three then Mark, came to see if i was okay.

Mark !  you okay, dude, do you want some food.

I pulled, my headphones, off .

Me ! Yes please man  , felt lot better still had them feelings, come ago .

But after being , able to deal with it after , i think i was worrying my mum with texting her

I felt okay afterwards, when i had food.

 I remembering textin my mum .

Mum How is it on the coach , ok i hope .

Me! i hate, it so far am at the back so am away from all the surroundings .

Mum ! That's good try, and enjoy a new experience

Me! Yes i am trying no one has sat next to me yet so all okay so far

Me ! I feel, your all forcing , me to thing am very, uncomfortable , with .

Mum ! This will be good for you , just think of it as expedition Stop worrying just sleep, and drink water you will be fine .

To be honest , i thought that coach , journey , personally from it as if i went down to hell and into nightmare , the way i felt but it had to be done to overcome , my daily struggles, on learning to go more independent, well i still have Mark, with me if i ever need help .

If that was me travelling, on my own 1 , i get lost , or into argument , with the driver, 2 i end up 3 chucked of the buses , then in different mind set of being unsafe , reason being if i don't have anyone i trust around me like mum, dad, friends , Mark, climbers, i find it very difficult to go outside for walk on my own , because i can feel everything going in waves , and i cant tell if am making , daft faces , if am out in public , because i feel , anxious uncomfortable , lost , confused , frustrated, but when i am surrounded , by people who care , for me and my well being , i feel safe , so i can be relaxed , am complete different , than if i was on my own , i get all them things coming in waves , and massive pebbles , stones, and as if storm hits you . that's how it feels , so i don't think i could travel, on my own with out special , support like i have had all my life , from friends , family , and support cares.

Maybe , in few years once i find my way, eventually , i will be able to accomplish more things in my life with travelling on my own with out parents support , services, friends , taking steps first in till i am ready to fight , more battles . never say never though.

So again each' day is a game , and a fight , its how i live my life .

As soon as we got off that coach , i felt much better.

I was worried , at that stage if i was going on buses , after we arrived in Glasgow , then Euan saved the day .

Mark ! said Euan , is picking us up on coach.

Me ! Phewwwwf , in my head thank god for that .

So we got of coach , then seen Euan , Heeyyyy man shaked hand's and huggs, Me ! i am  good, man good been long time since we last Euan , since he was down filming in North wales .

Meeting him through , Mark , Euan Wills are Film-makers, of Final Crux films awesome dudes, with big potential in there filming , and photography wishing , them all best with there career, believe chances are sky is the limit .

Mark, Euan , chatted in car , about Glasgow, and brave heart, and films , questions .

Asking how are journey , went was feeling abit tired, and just was glad to be inside of a car .

We all was on route , to meet Colin, in Glasgow first time meeting the para team i think

Part 3 to be continued .

























 

Feeling, you don't belong, in a world nature of being, existence

Feeling like you don't belong in world, were things don't seem real, to you are my human, or are my functioning robot.

I feel, as if no one understands me i feel that i don't belong in this world , i feel that' every time i speak to friends, no one  listen's , to actually what i am trying to say,  even when your simply, having conversation, over social media about some very interesting, things i feel as if i am boring that individual, with my topic, to topic.

Then i say to my self , you need read, more learn more  about others, & how life works,so i can understand more things about small stuff but fuck it .

  Really once, i pretend, that i am okay , and smile, to a peer, outside  happy to the outside world , i am just happy, when my eyes are wide shut .

I feel like i don't belong in this world , then i have people, saying to me your being selfish, what about others out there and your saying, all them hurtful, things to a certain person, on about how you really, feel about your life, and your perspective, on things and  of it i mean, i am not living in a fucking fairy tale where tinker bell, gives me her pixy dust , so i can fly to a never never never land .

I am stuck, in this nightmare, all i want is to be able to understand, things not have all these suicidal thoughts, being afraid, is not in my nature, i am not afraid, of wanting to be at piece, at least i no i will be in safer, more relaxed, place, and my mind, wont be chattering , like pinball machine .

You can say, this is a very deep, story but it's how i feel, every single day from moment i wake up to moment i go sleep, but i mask, that everything is fine when in real life things are not how i like them and how they are supposed, to be .

I say, only thing that keeps, me going is my mechanisms, my repetitive, things i do with out them i am dusk till dawn.

If i didn't mean the things i say i wouldn't say them in first place , you don't no how i am on daily basis, and no about my everyday, struggles,  i could have smile of Cheshire the cat but underneath but really , you feel , like you don't belong anywhere in world .

My perspective, you can have some judgement, to what i have written, then so be it  but it's my life

“I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me.

A place, were you can belong . 




My happy, little pill, take me away, Dry my eyes , bring colour to my skies. 

Anger, is like Rain.

Anger is like  Rain

A Storm were it bring's all your' anxious, feelings , anxiety , misunderstanding's ,

Not fitting in a world, were you belong . Anger can hold all sort's effect's it has on your mind, and body .

If we try'ed smiling when we fall a sleep, i think we will have better day's

Most people don't realize that the mind constantly chatters . and yet that the chatter winds up being the force that drives us much of the day in terms of what we do, what we react to , and  how we feel .

What's happening  i am feeling anxious , angry , upset.

Felt worthless , disappointed , i could go on all sort's on this but its just short update for the blogg

Sense that what is happening to us all ?

Notice what it is doing to are mind , in the body .

Where do i feel this ?

Energy Use your energy to overpower your thoughts , and say to your self this not not anger, feeling's .
Can i be with this ?

I never wanted to tell anyone i had autism ...

( Fitting in at mainstream school's )

I never fitted in at any schools, i was always   alone felt like i had no one even tho you had a circle, you would see ,  and to this day as adult feels as if no one understands me ,  was bullied as a kid in out school's, fighting, with all peers, individuals, teacher's,  put back behind in school, cause society then classed us as the un-smart people , i couldn't read, or write, had have speech, language therapy, wanted just be like the other cool kid's on block . So i no how this girl, felt and she was Autistic,

( Opening up about a Diagnosis)

I never wanted to tell anyone  i had autism , let alone write & say what i feel inside me as person, now. as kid, i never use want ask teachers, for help, if i was stuck, or listen , i use to just sit-down and blank every word they said by going silent, not even single word came out my mouth.
Because personally i think no one understood me back then and now as adult don't think people understand me now .  Like as Autistic person to me i think its from life perspective , evolution , we are all evolving as individuals, so what if society classes us different, its way of thinking creating, our colours, idea's , imagination, yet you are always going have other's that are not going to see from your perspective, on way we see world , smell , things , touch things , hear , things , but who care's that's there opinions right , I no we get are meltdown's,  who care's because that is who we are embrace who we are as individuals, and forget what other's think about us we are beautiful people , in our hearts & minds ,   we see are life's in pictures, and make that picture come to reality in life , some day we all will be on that magic, rainbow, looking down at the Judgemental people who said we never make it and  have high expectations, well fuck you am here now you saying we cant do things makes us determined prove them all wrong . and focus the drive,  to prove who said why do we do that as in the  un ordinary way.  I just no that beautiful girl, is on her rainbow now smiling , at us all . no more hurtful days now darling, you can go creative as much as you want , because there is world up there full of magical, colours, welcome to narina

(Socializing  and making close friends)

Socializing as a kid, for me was very hard thing to do no one would really speak to me only the older kid's now and again  felt like i had no friends , i remember use go sit on table on my own for dinner's food , at one point i thought forget having food because everything was overwhelming people laughing at me chucking chips ,so thought just go on adventure out side school, and sit on my own .

Same in classrooms , i wanted focus do my work but was bullied by peers even teachers would laugh at me in mainstreams ,  i was only tiny person as little boy , so i use be kicked out grabbed by ears, and then sent to head office couldn't see me so they use ring up my parents, so socializing was hard thing to do back then . and making friends , so i can relate to lot how this girl must felt , having your circle but not circle when you needed them the most . although i had childhood, people i see but they  was in higher above classes, as said was put back in each school , i say people understood me better when chose get home tutored and being away at school, were teachers  taught me become person i am today by the help i had over there , pushed me to read , write and even do GCSE's . I just wish that girl never gave up on fighting the demons, but can understand why because life everyday for autistic's is hard . seems only way out to go to that's creative world you have in your mind and heart . for things be happy'r .

(Meltdowns's ) Are not a sign of bad  behaviour, there signs of communication , on them trying show some individuals to try see through there eyes on perspective of there life . collections, coping mechanisms, or even trying show that they are asking for help. go on the journey with autistic, learn new things . from life perspective, on how a world they create works for some not all .

This girl seems very similar, to me people often say to me am geeky, and i love films . directors,
seems as if she couldn't accept that she was Autistic, i feel same on most day's when times hit there all time low and i think of suicidal, attempts by having knife on my neck and wanting to cut through the bone or even smashing plates over my forehead , and cutting my arms ,  I think   we see the negative rather than the positive, i think reasons is behind this might be a small minded tool of girls saying we are dum demons, evil, cant do things . look at her look at him . then we over think them situations more to than other people. from her story she seems like she wanted learn more about Autism but couldn't come to terms with it . i think soon someone put's you into this box it effect's your self-esteem your mind , imagination, and creativity . That's actually how i am when am good am fantastic , when i loose it i really do i go into a lock down , were i feel overwhelmed by everything seems only way out is by hurting your self . i slam doors , smash things , i use turn my room upside down rip wall papers off , bed was smashed to pieces , shout scream , tears of anger laugh , while punching my self in face , roll my head back fourth in till i have carpet burns , shouting swearing calling names saying most terrible   things  . i just wanted be my self Jamie .

(observed )

Being watched all time or going see doctors , all time saying same story over - over can drain you and them taking same notes , is not good at young age but for 16 years age for this girl , and then you being open them telling your parents , in case you was going hurt your self . i didn't tell others that many things when i was little .


(Communication)  before death ,

I think it seems this girl could only communicate with saying her feelings, down on paper , exactly what i can do to communicate  ,  what is it to do with doctor's on what this girl was doing or going , am sure she was off to library, or something to read books.  she felt alone , and wanted to tell her friends , how she felt , but couldn't , and her friends should been with her at time she felt low and high but this is what people wont see from what Autistic's are going feel like at there bad times, Someone can meet us all for first time and think their is nothing wrong with him or her .

(Creative)

People often say to me i am articulate and have articulate intelligence

This girl reminds me of my self , i feel how she feel's everyday, on wanting leave the world i live in

she was a very private young woman  she was a bright witty talented girl and she had much to look forward to in her life''. i also tried  to hang my self when i was lot younger,  than this beautiful  outgoing girl . but cable snapped on me we need more awareness out there for High-functioning Autism.

The dark side to Autistic's . Underneath sun there is smiles laughter joy, colours , Beyond the moon there is dark black shadow's , so don't judge by looking into the person eyes'


Thanks for reading Jamie .

Embrace what makes you Unique ,

Collective....

How I describe, me being Autistic, is am collective, in things I like. I obsess, over majority, of amount of things. I have passions, desires, expectations, for lot of  things. That not many understand were i  am coming from & have strong beliefs, opinions, and my perspectives, and imagination, creativity is very high- and set-out i visual my life as pictures,  , I have serious meltdowns, if am feeling at my lowest, but if am in relaxed environment, am perfectly okay. if I feel provoked, I am not okay it  can cause me have serious problems, with society,& the  public. It all depends what state of mind, and frame of mindset, I am in at that moment.

 if I have generally lot things in front of me written, down I can remember things visualise what I have seen. 

But communication, in talking to people expressing, over is very hard thing to do for me . Also. i feel my characteristics are judged constantly is lot do with how I feel as well in society, if I feel unsafe I kick off only to protect my self, from being hurt by peers, individuals, but if am comfortable I am very relaxed as person. food stuffs can sometimes can be Distressed & texture with feel and touch to things , can be hard to explain over to someone . I can sometimes get the wrong end of conversations, clothing causes me major problems, at home and outside, I try overcome these things as much as possible, but some days can be at its worse . 

Were I feel down about my  life, so everyday is battle. But what I have learnt is not to take out my problems on people that genuine trying to help me . 

But at home I have sensory overload were everything hits me at once, i have  fits and roll around the  floor on really worse days. 

 I mask all i can  and have lots strategy's but sometimes you feel as if you cant be your autistic happy self in case people stare look and say what's wrong with him.  , All I can do when am out in big  wide world is overcome my challenges i face on daily basis in everyday life is  by being strong minded.   
 My issues  in public , sometimes all depends if your not provoked  by society. 

Sometimes when am at my worse   in my life  my mum dad  have to restrain me for not hurting my self. 

So living with Autism isn't all smiles as people see it . That's why everything is hidden every day is battle. 

But only way is overcome the bad days by fighting and finding solutions to the problems we face.

I see my psychologist, and she's amazing also i  Climb, & try interact- social communication,  
 best way possibly can. 

also I do lots mindfulness exercises that helps . But my  anxiety is getting worse and getting everyday is not helping my life  on being anxious. 

So from young age I was on all sorts medication  now I have said I'll try it again to see if  it makes me feel better, if it has  any side effects am coming straight off them . 

But climbing is medicine to me but cant always climb ;-( on my worse of days ,  hope this information helps , thank's for visiting my page   Jamie.

Living being Autistic

This is me Living with Autism, life can have its ups's &  down's. You can have good days, bad days,  But on good days you feel really high & hyperactive imagination,  creative, on your outlook perspective, on life. On way you see the world and not by no one telling you how to live your colourful rainbow world,   by  feeling,  good in your self , and around other people, peers, individuals, but on bad, days, you can hit all time low, were you isolate, your self, you feel really lonely, inside depressed, upset but no emotion shows just anger, hate towards your self, & people around you , Self-harm , head-banging against a wall , or scraping your head across the floor & a stone spiky wall,  chucking your self of the stairs  having fits , meltdowns , when people touch you think that there actually burning you but there just calming you down  ,  and having no understanding about little things in life , and self doubting your self if you said right thing in conversation , even thou the words are coming out and your speech is sounding okay to someone else , your then thinking should i said that always going into your head looking for answers,     on thinking how change your perspective, so people can understand way you see the world,  you could have 100's friends but everyday you feel as if you have no friends that understand,   , you feel as if you don't have any friends, even though you have lots behind you who are genuine and that  care , but it just doesn't feel that way  to me on everyday life , but you try see the bigger picture , go out smiling and overcome the struggles , but on everyday life you feel as if your left out , you feel as if  its hard to have conversation ,  if its not said in right context way , you feel as if there is no communication, on a conversation, and your then thinking are my boring that person on my topics , interests collections , so that makes you have bad day , but you just have to accept this who i am , i can keep fighting overcoming my goals , through out my life , and learn to accept my self and not let being Autistic defeat me , just embrace the beauty and uniqueness, for me to lead better mindful life. 

My life has not been walk in park,  i have had to overcome lot struggle in my life to get this far, on telling my story's . 

i find it so hard to express out-loud  , & communicate, with people, but from writing this tells others, and keep learning more about strategy's  so i can have better life , and Climb because that's what helps me the most , and being surrounded by lovely beautiful people , because  on the  good days things feel amazing , on bad days , i think the worse of things i hurt my self , self-doubt on trying to interact , but what need learn is everyone cares , and keep fighting the demons , and everything will be sweet daisy's.

(Why fit in when you were born  STANDOUT! Dr.sesuss) 

Hakuna Matata

Topic

What is communication ?? because when i am trying make conversation it seems to the other person  that am going to fast for them Huh or boring them its as if my my ears are listening but my mind  body is floating away somewhere else. This  is very hard thing for me in conversations , because i am interested in what that individual is saying to me    , and people say try these strategies look at there forehead look at the nose just try looking at that person they told me am not making eye contact so if am looking at the nose and there eyes sometimes when am comfortable if not then i don't look at them at all  so i ask my self this question what are my eyes looking at ?? , but still i always seem over analyze  that situation think to my self hmm have i said right thing or have i annoyed that person then am analyzing everything in detail ,

I guess social interaction effects how we been treated in past in school bullied by verbal words
and being autistic does that effect how we communicate with one another in society well my reasons am asking about this because people seem think what ever i do or say i am either to deep with words and conversations , but all i am trying to do is social interact yes i can speak talk so that makes me non verbal does not mean i dont have autism , i love the way people put you in this box and think right away oh there's nothing wrong him , if things was really fine would i ask questions on communication and reasons behind this cause lot people suffer with what is called theory of the mind , they keep saying to me let the past go with what happened in school and trying to fit-in  for being different and no i am not Rain man !! so take me to that place  Hanuka matata