Giving, up in order to succeed .

So this will be last blog for a while as of now i am giving, up in order to succeed, for ones that will fully understand why i have written this out then thanks .

I have been battling, my daily life everyday from moment i get up till i  go to sleep, i have had good days and really bad days with things i enjoy most about life  them days, have become draining and i now no longer want to push, my self or put my heart into things i enjoy most anymore because is constantly a battle, on people having to explain things to me in different contexts  .

and i adore my interests  now i don't feel on going on trips, out my comfort zone or traveling, in that case or seeing the world.

My pursuit of happiness is just really, about learning more about life.

 if i have to sit in my room, & read, write, things down for years to come then so be it .

What's point doing things with passion, in your heart, & pushing your goals, if your stuck in a circle, each time.

People, saying you have gifts, you have talents, well i don't see my gifts, or fully understand my talents,  it feels to me that i don't have a brain that works .

 & i no we all have bad, days but these days, should not drag day in day out  & changing how you feel instant to something positive, works sometimes but not all time .

Then having, to regulate, how your feeling, to go outside or do your regular things then come home have  nose bleeds, because all stress that's happen d then saying, things will be okay tomorrow .

Because am sick to death of me having to push, harder than anyone else and i have seen that for my self you cant say, am wrong in what am saying, because you are no Autism expert because i am person who has to live, my days with meltdowns, & constant frustration.

Because you no someone who is Autistic, don't make you a expert one's that will understand most is Autistic, advocates or person that is Autistic .

Things i love to do but lost heart, into doing them things, i will do them on regular basis but i will no longer, determine my self or put my heart into them things .

That could be Yoga, Climbing, Running, Swimming, Cycling, Bouldering, Meditation, Music, Films, Reading.


If i have to brake, free from reality, again in order to find my self again then so be it i have had enough, on people saying try harder Jamie, when really you don't have a clue how hard i had to try, to get to these places on were i am at now .

This is what i listed, in my files on how things have been from others, that read it some you will understand others you wont .

I have lost my heart in everything i do on regular basis no one can say, try think positive, when i have been you all will never no how difficult, my life is on me having to push each time.

Sick and tired on things being a battle, so my pursuit, of happiness is not to do anything or become anything is to just try enjoy life and it wont be to travel, anymore i am so done i give up

Call that as you will but like, i say this how i feel, you can not change a persons, mind if they are feeling that way no matter what positive, action or wording you find.

Another day i written, this in my file.

I have lost all heart, and determination, in everything i do with the way i have been pushing my self but turns out i just think am shit at everything, i do and i don't have a brain, that works or understand the meaning to life .

Third day

So i have given up on all my exercises on the world to even think that i will overcome things.

Every thing is constant battle, from moment i awake to going back to sleep i gave climbing, my all swimming, all my daily exercises, no more i am so done with trying with things them making me feel angry, dissheartned on performance, on working my so called brain, i think i don't have one that works .

Fourth day

Today i think and no that nothing works, mind like a gold fish i sometimes think that people, say your good to make you feel better.

But its okay, i feel happy, and fine.

I just want to lock my self in my room and not come out and stop everything play video games .

Fifth day

Today i was worrying about what others, thought of me again because my quirky, ways on why i ask things in certain ways and hating small talk on how my day week went .

Truth in matter no one wants to no how your day, or week went its just something to say, so best of saying my week, and month is going fucking, great cheers i feel on top of the fucking moon .

Enough about me how was your day, did you have a great day . what did you do did you do anything nice visit any places .

So day six

Today, am blogging for last time, i will still climb, no idea how long or what days, i just wont push my self like athlete no more because really  i don't see point in trying anymore for what in anyways .

So am stepping, out of the competitions, and will just climb locally now again to keep me relaxed, but am not fussed, about performance, or fitness schedule from on .

Who knows, when i will next hike, ill do as one off but other than that .

But ill take time out now for long period of time to just find my self and relax, more instead real life and ways of coded systems out there that are so confusing for me to understand & coded ways of how reality is .

Or on how many reps, or sets, or pull-ups press-ups or including power, strength, speed, quickness, coordination, agility, flexibility, local muscular endurance, and cardiovascular aerobic capacity and endurance.

on how many i have done ill still remain, doing little exercises, like 30 mins a day but nothing more and nothing that is making me push,  my self.

Because for a long period of time is enough to push your self as not just your fitness, but your daily living routine, and learning things over & over reading, same paragraph of pages so it sinks in or learning, from videos.

Then if having up setting day, having just determination, to face reality, even though you can't focus as you want two for the sake of you putting in strategies, in place for when or if you hit having a meltdown, so having to push just as hard in training, as you do for real,  life routine, that  is fucking tiring  .


But what can i say, i feel Happy, not depressed, not sad, not angry, but happy.







In order to succeed, sometimes giving up seems only choice for the pursuit of true, happiness.

Thank you Jamie.

The Stallion

So i would like to make things clear, on what sensory, overload is and what happens to me on daily basis . I’m going to be talking, about Sensory overload and what happens, when you experience sensory overload It is a neurological in which the brain, does not interpret sensory input from the environment correctly . A person that has sensory, over load may be over or under-sensitive to input from their environment: such as the colours, of lights. Colours, noises, of people talking in background music, that is to loud, or people talking, amongst groups . Kettles, plates, wind, supermarkets, buss-stops cafe, horns, cars, crossing, the road, walking, passed others in the street. We feel things different to others like the textures, and tastes in restaraunts We then get very distressed, and irritated, meltdowns occur, are speech is all over the place, hard to process, what others are saying, to us and keeping aware of dangers, around us . Autistic, person will have some kind of sensory integration this is part of our neurotype and part of what makes,us autistic. But sensory, overload can affect and encompass all of the senses Now human beings actually have more than five senses. We have something like eighteen to twenty-two depending on who you ask. I think that there are the basics seven senses that are When a person is under- or over sensitive to any of the sensory input they may experience is going to be a lot different than a neurotypical persons experience. And their life is going to be very different because of the things that they have to deal with. And it could be things like talking, like in restaurant, while they can hear the person who’s is sitting across from them and speaking, its hard for us to interpret what the person is saying, this happens a lot to me . We know that they’re speaking, our brains just can’t filter out all of the auditory likes of information, that individuals, are saying to us in a conversation, or a conversation, with friends . We have our own set of triggers, negative sensory, input that causes, us discomfort or pain in the environment . Our Routine, plays a massive part of our lives, and resistance to change, can also cause sensory, overload we go into a sensory defensiveness so for example, that could be a certain, food and texture, of foods, you eat while out in restaurant, or with friends, at cafe, that can cause sensory defensiveness, interpret by our parents as just picky eaters or even outward defiance, this is sensory integration issues, you know that you’re different . This can also cause a lot of grief in our daily lives, because this world isn’t really built for us . It is so loud, and so fast, and so bright, and all the clothes, are to tight and everything too itchy, and it can be exhausting just trying to get some sleep at night with all these sounds, all around us it can be really hard to deal with, and its very tiring when all this is occurring daily . We are not trying, to be defiant to you we are to just being picky eaters . We don’t need to be shamed in any situation and we don’t need to be coerced, to do things that are going to cause us pain . These things are not just uncomfortable, for us autistic, people or a little annoying, they are very often painful and its very important for you Neurotypicals to understand all our differences, we are different not less so there needs to be more understanding, and accommodation can help go along way . All these, things that occur, take a lot of our brain energy that we would otherwise be putting towards learning or socialising, communication, and self regulating Sensory overload is one of the biggest and most frequent causes of autistic, meltdowns. That’s why it is so important to allow autistic, people and any person with sensory integration autistic, or not to self stimulation in what ever ways that they need to because stiming isn’t just some meaning less activity a repetitive motion . self stimulating is an expression of our self in autistic, people, in people of all neurotypes So letting us sim by stiming is best and most important way to self-regulate it makes us feel comfortable . We can block out negative input with good input Aware of other people, dark-thoughts seem to occur, confusion, dissregulated angry to wards individuals, up set not understanding, body language or emotions, feeling that we can’t express, how were feeling, in less cutting, our selfs in safe place or covering our selves in blood because of the meltdown we have had and how hard the day is for our difficulties, to be confrontational towards peers and undermined, small minded people. Hurting, our selfs in serious, ways can occur, by grazing, our heads up a wall trying to launch our selfs down a flight of stairs, panic-attacks can happen self-harm. Walking, into a busy, environment being amongst busy places and trying to socially interact, with what this normality, society wants us to do but the real question is. Is there any normality, yes, we face our differences, and we see the world, & think different to N’T’s wether it being us seeing things different with our eyes, hearing things with our ears, touching, things in more detail, way to any normalised person smelling, things we like in a Unique way than others do tasting, things more in detail way so why should we fit-ino your normalised world, when we are all different, this world, just needs to accept, our quirks, and our uniqueness, and our meltdowns, different behaviours, we show and other types, of routines, we have and obsessions, than real word, would be passions, of our specific interests, why should we be placed, into a system, were they tell us what we should like and how to be independent in this normalised world . Question, is if there was not any uniqueness or insight to how we perceive, things and our perception, on smells, tastes, colours, noises, this world would be a very, boring place, and wouldn’t have anything interesting to talk, about on how to be. So what if we can’t, understand the meanings of Sadness, Anger, Fear, Disgust, Guilt, why should you try and make us like a robots, or treat us like robots, just because you don’t have any understanding, on how to take us for our Autistics, selfs a person not labels, because labels, should remain on the tin cans, in our cupboards, it doesn’t define us for being so different does it . Quote Autistics, can be talented, witty, smart, sensitive, independent, loving, empathetic. We may just require, a little more support, to deal with our challenges, and to cope in the areas, we are fragile in . Don’t destroy, yourself by allowing negative, people to add gibberish and debris to your character, reputation, and aspirations. Keep all dreams, alive but discreet, so that those with unhealthy tongues, won’t have any other option than to infest themselves, with their own differences . Autistic, meltdown .. Overstressed/Overwhelmed .. Reactive mechanism .. Continues with out attention .. Safety may be compromised fatigue .. Not goal dependent .. May require assistance to gain control Feeling everything can be very overwhelming and trying to contain these things can cause distress disregulated and be very Exhausting I Don’t have Autism, or with Autism I am Autistic,. It Doesn’t mean i see myself as a Disability first a person second I’m me . I started, blogging again because, i want to explain, that i do face all these everyday so listen to our voices, and don’t define what we don’t feel, our sensations, in side our head and body. As for typical, people out there yes, i have serious difficulties, it does not mean that every Autistic, you meet will be same as the movie, rain man or Temple Grandin or X+y so listen to our voices, and accept for being the people we are I am me, and only me i will never, put my self- into your normalised society, or world, accept me for who i am and my quirks peace. Reason being i decided, to blog again because i had tough experience, at the supermarket yesterday and all loud places and conversations i just blew & my head exploded, full of anger, and disstress, after going my self to supermarket yesterday and i taken to cutting, my self again and meltdown, occurred, in serious of having nose bleeds and was covered in blood after all the frustrations i felt. So i wanted, to explain, what i deal- with and for others to just understand reasons for it and not to push- me into environment, that i feel unsafe in because when i am in my safe, place i let it all out in anger, and frustration and not understanding why this happens. I am aware as i gotten older, that i remove, my self to my safe place then i feel better but not that i am hurting, ones that love me deeply, by taking to hurting my self from sensory overload Love Jamie .

Monkey Mind

He might have been encased in a thick glass bubble, so separate did he feel from his three dining companions. It was a sensation with which he was only too familiar, that of walking in a giant sphere of worry, enclosed by it, watching his own terrors roll by, obscuring the outside world. J-k Rowling  

Anxiety, can be to do with your thoughts i get distracted very easily by what could go wrong.

So that is  just kind of struggling to see through the looking class of a mirror,  to see, other people, around me becomes enormously, difficult, and really exhausting, are exhaustion, is really one of primary experiences and feeling, of being sick, and dizziness its as if load, of flashing, lights are countering strikes of lightening as if a electric, shock has zapped all your focus, and energy .

When struggling, with anxiety it can be a daily experience, you don't no what brings it on its just there it just happens .

Anxiety, can be related to time, when you're anxious, you're thinking forward to what's going to go wrong.

What is going to happen how you came across, to another person constantly, analyzing the conversations  .

Or you're thinking back or to what's already, gong wrong, and therefore make the future go even wronger .

But when your, talking, to someone in articulately, it forces, you into the present forces you to be mindful in a way reduces your anxiety afterwards i'm sure you worry about all the things that i said wrong and shouldn't said it this way or that way .

When it hits, you it feels, as if a hurricane, has hit the inside of your mind, and body, and it takes over your whole functioning cable abilities .

Knowing, whats going on in your head, can reduce, your anxiety, its like everything comes into small packages, and big packages.

So what, we have to do is overcome, each challenge we face everyday, other wise Anxiety will eat us alive .

You can't hide it and you can feel it you can feel it in the hugs you can feel it as if  it comes, as if you see ocean of waves, its like down pour of a waterfall .

You can barely leave the house, most days you can't see your friends, it eats a chunk, out of your life.

You just have to put, on them boxing, gloves and go out there in the world, and fight every single day if we get knocked down keep get back up and fighting.

If you allow, your thoughts to get bad, or frustrating, your thoughts will take over into darkness, and control you then you feel as if your in cage, in zoo wanting, to get out but you cant and in that really dark place  try not allow it to get that bad.

Keep a close watch on it because the consequences, if not are are terrible and you have friends and family and loved ones you  don't want to get to the point where you're so anxious its like being locked into yourself its all you can think about its being stuck in your own head so that you don't love other people when your so low about your life.

You are not your, thoughts

The interesting thing about the monkey, mind is that it tricks itself and this is why you fall into the trap all the time.

To catch a monkey, just stick a banana in jar and the monkey will run over and try get the banana.

The monkey mind will do the same thing It will stick its hand in the jar and grab the banana.

It can easily pull its hand out, but it wont because it will not let go of the banana and it traps itself.

The monkey mind or ego would never let go of the banana even for its own freedom


The battle, is not over yet we still, have to go to war.

I hope you have liked this been a long, time since i have typed out on my blog

Regards Jamie .

Making conversation

Conversation ...

I sometimes wonder why?? and the meaning of the title conversation , because i try so hard to make conversation with friends , strangers about certain, topics interests and to me i sense they are not listening to me or acknowledging anything i am saying , and it really ticks , me off because i am trying so hard to do things in certain ways to be able to communicate over social media.

Or for that matter even in conversation Hmmm something isn't right there not listening to what i am talking about no point explaining things this is one dull conversation  , as i am comfortable have more chats  specific interests  i get more sense out of my Autistic , friends than i do out of  Neurotypicals  they genuinely just don't understand us as human beings let along being amongst this society  .

Reason being i will in light you into   my world were i feel that this is what happens , to us all that Autistic , & that makes us feel isolated , on even having friends , but making friends , just as people do over social media ,  i am not sure if i will get lonely because there is much more things to keep me focused other than socializing , have films, music , climbing , running the things that will bring me happiness reading , writing , doing lists of names , of things i love and adore so i never forget them .



Jamie would did you do today ??

Me: I searched for colours on designing things looking for fabrics, on all kinds material for merchandise, and characters and listened to music Oh Bon Jovi is a great album .

Neurotypical: Oh not now Jamie ,

Me: Well you think you try, to communicate with people out there .

In all honesty, i think your best on your own regardless , on who's out there for you because no one wants listen and no one cares in what you have to say or talk about .

I am fine , with just not talking about your problems, now or anything in common for that matter because a Neurotypical will never understand Autistic's and that's truth .

The connection i have with Autistics , is unreal we talk from topic to topic and we are listening to each other and taking everything thing as for one's that adore us and love , us even friends family they try to understand and sometimes it can be to much because our minds , are always working on fast dial, and over thinking things anyalzing so in my eyes Conversation sucks,

Casual form of conversation that "breaks the ice well i am not sure what that means does it mean that she wants me to go brake up some ice !!

Well not really, because small talk" doesn't help introduce your self in shape of form what so ever

Best to say nothing if they are not listening to anything your saying in first place plus its difficult if you don't no how to read these things just Fine thanks SAY BYE !!

I hate small talk well if that happens i wont say anything at all just smile and wave . but couldn't understand if they were my acquaintances or not in less they done any harm to me .

So true weather , i don't no anything about weather , outside other than its hot , sunny, cold , rain and windy other times i just say its great day .

Yes love sports, so would happy talk about all sorts sports still dont consider that small talk more case of a topic of interest .

Entertainment films, movies , tv-show's drama, thriller , horrors, action , comedy , indie disney , yes but no one really see's me and talks about them .

First time i meet someone on a given day , well what is casual conversation , and smiling indicates to go talk to random person well i have done that and no it gives them wrong impressions , then you feel awkward for going up there and saying hello then they whisper things like little school kids .

Did you catch news today ??

Did you hear about the earthquake in Haiti

What do you think about this petrol workers strike ?

Well i have nothing in common with hardly any these questions what so ever how is that making friends .

They wont shut up for day's true that

"Shit Ignorant People Say To Autistics.")

I've seen Rain Man.

Wait, are you ACTUALLY Autistic or do you just have Asperger's?

You must be very high-functioning.

Why are you doing that? It looks so weird. People can see you.

(Holding book with title "Body Language")
I think this book could really help you.

(Woman almost spits up her coffee.)
YOU'RE Autistic? Oh I am so sorry. That is so sad.

You seem so -- normal.

Oh I never would have guessed.

But there's nothing wrong with you.

But I like you.

You can't expect us to accommodate ALL of your needs.

You're Autistic? Give me a hug. It's gonna be okay. 
(Woman walks toward camera.)

What do you mean you don't want a hug?

Hey, I heard that they think it might be... 
Vaccines.
Geeks marrying geeks.
Something in the water.
Yeast.
Too much TV.
Mercury.
Inflammation.
X-rays.
Pesticides.
Stress.
The internet.
(Woman closes her laptop and shakes her head.)

Oh I read Temple Grandin's book. Do you like cows?

Have you tried... 
Chelation?
Swimming with dolphins? 
Riding horses?
Special diets?
Therapy?
Hugs! (Walks toward camera)
Meds! (opens medicine cabinet)
Not being Autistic?

Autistic people are so spiritual.

You don't mean "Autistic." You mean "has autism."

Autistic people are closer to God.
(Choir like "Ahh")

Can you count these toothpicks? 
(Woman empties container of toothpicks onto floor.)

Autistic people are so honest and authentic.

What are you, retarded?

Autistic people are so -- refreshing and real.

I didn't mean it like that.

I didn't mean like retarded retarded. I just meant retarded.

I like Autistic people almost as much as I like real people.

Just get over it.

Labels go on soup cans. Not people.

Stop making excuses to be rude to people.

I saw... 
Sherlock,
Bones,
That episode of House,
The Big Bang Theory,
Adam,
Parenthood,
...So I know all about autism.

(Woman grabs the hands of a person stimming with fingers.)
Quiet hands!

But you have a job -- with people!

But you go to school -- with people!

The ADA? Are you sure that's a real thing?

I don't think you have autism. You're so... 
Smart.
Social.
Pretty.
Nice.

You have feelings.

(Sliding caption: Don't be this person.)

Aren't we all just a little bit Autistic?

(Sliding caption: Just don't be.)

  

This is so true why do people, say it to us Autistic's there clueless to what to do and what's happening , 

Well done to this Autistic, woman Hands down all said in right way what adults, and kids will face that are Autistic. 

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths.

I have decided, now that come Monday, i am gonna push, my body, through its limits, weights , training , cardio, running, climbing , circuits,  bouldering, pull-ups. press-ups , sit-ups, kettle bells , swimming ,  i am not taking one rest, day because soon as i rest, that's it i lock, down shut off into a depressing, feeling , anxious , feeling , anxiety, just go away and let me get on with my life !  and hate what i am doing with my goals, so am not looking to get bigger, or stronger, or fitter, i am just going push, my limits on fighting how i feel , inside my head,  i will be so determined, to over come my daily, struggles , so fuck rest days, i don't need rest, as long as its exercise, for me i don't care, if am not doing as much reps, 5 setts 20 , each day is good for me .

Including stretching, i am going go through pain, barrier and stretch my limbs in till i can feel , them moving as if they snap  , and take it and keep training, now no more sitting, in this room , and watching world, go by on being depressed, i am just going, start training, daily, in till i truly, need to rest, then i will but i am not going to take rest, every time i go for climb, boulder, or do routes, following day, when what happen d's is my head cant take sitting around , going insane , worrying about differences , routines, ideas , ill prove to my self that i can defeat, feeling like this .

What is the point of being on this Earth if you are going to be like everyone else

In word,s of my idol, “Stop whining.” and train, like your life depends on it .  

ill keep my mind hungry, then have rest , when i feel , like it i listen to my body, but sometimes, i think am resting at wrong times. 

And that's why my life feels , like a massive fight each time . 


Arnold Schwarzenegger, “Now all of a sudden there was joy, there was struggle, there was pain, there was happiness, there were pleasures, there were women, there was drama. Everything made it feel like “now we are really living!” 

Something, has to give, or else.

Second week, into my jogging , and its come to a stand, point again first it was not having transport getting to places, and costs, wise now its depression, i cant win,  because i am to depressed , to go outside or even to a climbing, wall , i am frustrated, angry, annoyed , with preparing my things for Eiger, trip i don't like to do things week before or 2 weeks , i like plan ahead  to be Organized, but i have nothing in front of me to visualise what i have need, first of i don't have right kit, for the Expedition, and been told to not spend , any my money, on some adidas ,  glasses, for the trip or even climbing , trousers, if i am feeling like this  way i am at this moment i wont go in public, because i cant concentrate, i done press-ups at home today, and push-ups stretching , but no aerobics, i cant face going outside.

I am on urge on self destruct , everything i do is a fucking, battle even if its slightest , example, it could be reading, books, to things like press-ups pull-ups , push, ups i mean i am into my 3rd year on training , now something has to give on remembering , i sit down relax, try stay calm, then i get confused, on how many numbers, i done in my head , that chucks , me to braking point , i was bashing, my head against a brick wall , and trying knock my self out with full bottle water, today .

I don't like surprises, i rather have the stuff , i need in front of me then i no am organized.

So once, again shit week, i am sick things making me fall back when i am on track , when am really focused, and one slight thing that's it am back to that dark place.

Who know's how ill be only 4 weeks , in-till this expedition, and all that seems to be happening, to me is load of meltdowns, its hard , for someone say snap , out of it go out running, climbing, sit back relax, count to 10 , well sorry that doesn't work , because when i feel like way i am i don't want to be around anyone , friends, family .

This is what , i face, daily, these are my struggles, you cant expect, me to feel okay, when deep down i am not feeling good in my self, and seeing my achievements, way i want to see them feel them in my training, everyone says i am doing well, and great , but to me it feels , as if am starting , from bottom each , time i am doing these things.

I no some , people, have there good days when training, bad days , but am sure , it don't feel as if there starting from bottom each time .

So today, i am hating, everything , and talking, if i talk, to much that seems to get on peoples nervous, conversations, texting, social media, i cant win with anything i try do everything, just feels as if the world, is against me with everything i try learn , and focus, and put my heart sole into , courage, determination , and dedication.

Sometimes it could be Athletics, Roller Hockey , ICT , Wood Work , Electricians, Painting Decorating , Drama , Ice Hockey , i done all them and put my heart into them , and still felt the same as i do now .

I just want to be able to stick, at something , work hard at it and accomplish, it .

And still , its not as easy, to ask for help ,any more  am feeling , at this moment , that i cant express, things i want to say ,  any more and it feels , to me that i don't have a brain, that works .  when i need it most in learning more about life , about others, about being focused, i feel , that no one understands me .
and no one will ever understand way i am as Autistic, only ones that will understand is ones that are Autistic, and that's a fact .

There is big difference, when i go to a climbing,  wall or to local, Indy,  wall or beacon , or being in mountains, woods , waterfalls, in nature,  i feel my self, but when i am outside in the big open world , i don't feel like i belong , in this world.

from a book i  am reading i don't understand , how to explain it over as if am reading and i mean concentration is really focused still nothing like when am having conversations, with friends, family, people.

 I say oh sorry am confused once again i gone dull, and try stop it focus and still feels as if my body is floating around in mid fucking air  , and i love to read, i don't understand book's i read, i just want a understanding , i am sick of this theory of the mind on being confused daily ,  i have embraced, fact i am Autistic, but being confused , about things you love, and enjoy most, is nuff to drive you stir crazy.

I hate , fact that i cant do things i enjoy most, with out having someone there in case i am danger hazard on my self , with getting hurt but i mean my coach , mark friend tells me same things over over repetitive i thank him for everything ,  but if i try explaining it over to someone , its said backwards or in wrong way , then stutter stutter , i hate fact i cant explain , things over in less its in  a story, or text . why does it have to be every person has to explain , them self s over 5 four 3 times to me so i have understanding .

I just want , my brain , body to understand things , and learn , instead taking, 3 years just learn few things then boom once someone asks me question , i have said it in wrong way then it don't make any sense to me or anyone. then people .

Something has to give , i am 25 now and things should get , better or else how will i cope , in the future.

Do people say things to me to make me feel better, i really don't no i genuinely, don't understand i no lot do actually mean what they say .

Quote from book , i am reading .

The image is uplifting, suggesting as it does that we sit like mountains, feeling rooted, massive, and unmoving in our posture. Our arms are the sloping sides of the mountain, our head the lofty peak, the whole body majestic and magnificent, as mountains tend to be. We are sitting in stillness, just being what we are, just as a mountain “sits” unmoved by the changing of day into night and the changes of the weather and of the seasons. The mountain is always itself, always present, grounded, rooted in the earth, always still, always beautiful. It is beautiful just being what it is, seen or unseen, snow- covered or green, rained on or wrapped in clouds. This image of the mountain sitting sometimes helps us to remember and feel our own strength and intentionality within the sitting meditation practice as the sunlight begins to wane in the room in the late afternoon and our day together moves toward its natural conclusion. It reminds us that we might look upon some of the changes we are experiencing in our own minds and bodies as internal weather patterns. The mountain reminds us that we can remain stable and balanced in our sitting and in our lives in the face of the storms that sometimes arise within our minds and bodies.