Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths.

I have decided, now that come Monday, i am gonna push, my body, through its limits, weights , training , cardio, running, climbing , circuits,  bouldering, pull-ups. press-ups , sit-ups, kettle bells , swimming ,  i am not taking one rest, day because soon as i rest, that's it i lock, down shut off into a depressing, feeling , anxious , feeling , anxiety, just go away and let me get on with my life !  and hate what i am doing with my goals, so am not looking to get bigger, or stronger, or fitter, i am just going push, my limits on fighting how i feel , inside my head,  i will be so determined, to over come my daily, struggles , so fuck rest days, i don't need rest, as long as its exercise, for me i don't care, if am not doing as much reps, 5 setts 20 , each day is good for me .

Including stretching, i am going go through pain, barrier and stretch my limbs in till i can feel , them moving as if they snap  , and take it and keep training, now no more sitting, in this room , and watching world, go by on being depressed, i am just going, start training, daily, in till i truly, need to rest, then i will but i am not going to take rest, every time i go for climb, boulder, or do routes, following day, when what happen d's is my head cant take sitting around , going insane , worrying about differences , routines, ideas , ill prove to my self that i can defeat, feeling like this .

What is the point of being on this Earth if you are going to be like everyone else

In word,s of my idol, “Stop whining.” and train, like your life depends on it .  

ill keep my mind hungry, then have rest , when i feel , like it i listen to my body, but sometimes, i think am resting at wrong times. 

And that's why my life feels , like a massive fight each time . 


Arnold Schwarzenegger, “Now all of a sudden there was joy, there was struggle, there was pain, there was happiness, there were pleasures, there were women, there was drama. Everything made it feel like “now we are really living!” 

Something, has to give, or else.

Second week, into my jogging , and its come to a stand, point again first it was not having transport getting to places, and costs, wise now its depression, i cant win,  because i am to depressed , to go outside or even to a climbing, wall , i am frustrated, angry, annoyed , with preparing my things for Eiger, trip i don't like to do things week before or 2 weeks , i like plan ahead  to be Organized, but i have nothing in front of me to visualise what i have need, first of i don't have right kit, for the Expedition, and been told to not spend , any my money, on some adidas ,  glasses, for the trip or even climbing , trousers, if i am feeling like this  way i am at this moment i wont go in public, because i cant concentrate, i done press-ups at home today, and push-ups stretching , but no aerobics, i cant face going outside.

I am on urge on self destruct , everything i do is a fucking, battle even if its slightest , example, it could be reading, books, to things like press-ups pull-ups , push, ups i mean i am into my 3rd year on training , now something has to give on remembering , i sit down relax, try stay calm, then i get confused, on how many numbers, i done in my head , that chucks , me to braking point , i was bashing, my head against a brick wall , and trying knock my self out with full bottle water, today .

I don't like surprises, i rather have the stuff , i need in front of me then i no am organized.

So once, again shit week, i am sick things making me fall back when i am on track , when am really focused, and one slight thing that's it am back to that dark place.

Who know's how ill be only 4 weeks , in-till this expedition, and all that seems to be happening, to me is load of meltdowns, its hard , for someone say snap , out of it go out running, climbing, sit back relax, count to 10 , well sorry that doesn't work , because when i feel like way i am i don't want to be around anyone , friends, family .

This is what , i face, daily, these are my struggles, you cant expect, me to feel okay, when deep down i am not feeling good in my self, and seeing my achievements, way i want to see them feel them in my training, everyone says i am doing well, and great , but to me it feels , as if am starting , from bottom each , time i am doing these things.

I no some , people, have there good days when training, bad days , but am sure , it don't feel as if there starting from bottom each time .

So today, i am hating, everything , and talking, if i talk, to much that seems to get on peoples nervous, conversations, texting, social media, i cant win with anything i try do everything, just feels as if the world, is against me with everything i try learn , and focus, and put my heart sole into , courage, determination , and dedication.

Sometimes it could be Athletics, Roller Hockey , ICT , Wood Work , Electricians, Painting Decorating , Drama , Ice Hockey , i done all them and put my heart into them , and still felt the same as i do now .

I just want to be able to stick, at something , work hard at it and accomplish, it .

And still , its not as easy, to ask for help ,any more  am feeling , at this moment , that i cant express, things i want to say ,  any more and it feels , to me that i don't have a brain, that works .  when i need it most in learning more about life , about others, about being focused, i feel , that no one understands me .
and no one will ever understand way i am as Autistic, only ones that will understand is ones that are Autistic, and that's a fact .

There is big difference, when i go to a climbing,  wall or to local, Indy,  wall or beacon , or being in mountains, woods , waterfalls, in nature,  i feel my self, but when i am outside in the big open world , i don't feel like i belong , in this world.

from a book i  am reading i don't understand , how to explain it over as if am reading and i mean concentration is really focused still nothing like when am having conversations, with friends, family, people.

 I say oh sorry am confused once again i gone dull, and try stop it focus and still feels as if my body is floating around in mid fucking air  , and i love to read, i don't understand book's i read, i just want a understanding , i am sick of this theory of the mind on being confused daily ,  i have embraced, fact i am Autistic, but being confused , about things you love, and enjoy most, is nuff to drive you stir crazy.

I hate , fact that i cant do things i enjoy most, with out having someone there in case i am danger hazard on my self , with getting hurt but i mean my coach , mark friend tells me same things over over repetitive i thank him for everything ,  but if i try explaining it over to someone , its said backwards or in wrong way , then stutter stutter , i hate fact i cant explain , things over in less its in  a story, or text . why does it have to be every person has to explain , them self s over 5 four 3 times to me so i have understanding .

I just want , my brain , body to understand things , and learn , instead taking, 3 years just learn few things then boom once someone asks me question , i have said it in wrong way then it don't make any sense to me or anyone. then people .

Something has to give , i am 25 now and things should get , better or else how will i cope , in the future.

Do people say things to me to make me feel better, i really don't no i genuinely, don't understand i no lot do actually mean what they say .

Quote from book , i am reading .

The image is uplifting, suggesting as it does that we sit like mountains, feeling rooted, massive, and unmoving in our posture. Our arms are the sloping sides of the mountain, our head the lofty peak, the whole body majestic and magnificent, as mountains tend to be. We are sitting in stillness, just being what we are, just as a mountain “sits” unmoved by the changing of day into night and the changes of the weather and of the seasons. The mountain is always itself, always present, grounded, rooted in the earth, always still, always beautiful. It is beautiful just being what it is, seen or unseen, snow- covered or green, rained on or wrapped in clouds. This image of the mountain sitting sometimes helps us to remember and feel our own strength and intentionality within the sitting meditation practice as the sunlight begins to wane in the room in the late afternoon and our day together moves toward its natural conclusion. It reminds us that we might look upon some of the changes we are experiencing in our own minds and bodies as internal weather patterns. The mountain reminds us that we can remain stable and balanced in our sitting and in our lives in the face of the storms that sometimes arise within our minds and bodies.

believing in the unthinkable

Preparing, for a week trip, with para climbers and team.

Packing my rucksack was a big nightmare for me since i don't have all my gear, but can say its slowly getting there maybe to 5 years, ill finally have my full kit .

There were  few up's downs kick off-s but like my mum says to me Jamie ! you will be sorted , stop worrying about packing , Me Mum! i am very organized person , when it comes to routine, schedule, timing, dates , all planning , i get very anxious, if things are not set in way i like them to be .

Then kick off if am confused, and frustrated, and fly things around objects , because i have no control when i hit a meltdown and more case do more harm to my self than others around me ,  sometimes meditation, works sometimes it doesn't depending on how i am feeling that week or day but when it comes to Organizing i can get very, hot headed and bad moods and confused , with what i am trying to do  but once i calm , down my parents, help me .

So next morning, i rushed , to Joe Browns after searching, high low for cheapish season 4 bag i finally had money to buy Mountain Equipment one.

Colours are life with me also i just love colours ,  with being Autistic, things i buy, have be kept as collections, objects , because i hate lending, and having borrow then giving  them back after with them going on adventure, journey, with me that's anxious for me as well but you cant say sometimes because i don't want come across as selfish because i am far from selfish person , not in my characteristics, to be like that.

So i kept , searching for things before agreeing , with lending i suppose i can deal with saying yes some times but if i am fixated, then nothing can change my mind .

   As i had most things already packed, in the bag i had 6 pairs boxers , 6 pairs t-shirts , 6 pairs socks , 6 pairs vests, Harness, Gloves, Coat, Rab, Jacket , 4 Hats 2 Pairs Trousers  My mum ! saying you don't, need that much stuff Jamie ! your going to the middle no where .

Me Mum! i need all this stuff, so i feel better that i can put things into order, when i get out there like place them in order so that make's things feel good about my day hence my repetitive, routine i constantly have as Adult 25 still have help with lot things as i can get confused, if i can visualise what i have in front of me   then its okay, but some times it not okay for me . i just try deal , with all the confusion , since i started speak up now its sort of helped me .

So i am ready, all packed, after a week, of worrying if i wouldn't have my things in place, my nana' and taid drove me for sleeping bag and came in when i went pick it so we adventured, to Llanber's a beautiful place of the homelands , as i am not city boy . welsh lands just like Lord of the Rings .

So all that was left, was to wait for my coach, who my dad went to get before we went of to stay in Birmingham, to stay at John Churcher's house a friend , and a para athlete for GB so 2 hours i think! we stopped of at starbucks, for a coffee, and rest , Mum ! you go in get coffee, i was starting to get overwhelmed, soon got in there i just wanted to get my order, done

The woman at star bucks, Hi can i help, you Me ! yes ill have 3 coffees please. Me ! my mum has not give me right money , ill leave mine thanks .

 So we in car we went  to get to the city, life Oh ! fuck i was thinking my head cant handle , city's , but were John lived was such beautiful place full lovely nice houses , still not fan on city , life .

We arrived , at Birmingham got all my bags outside, the car said good bye to my mum dad , they Dad, be safe Me! as a joke its okay, if don't come back you can always visit me as frozen, statue in glen coe Scotland jokes, laughs, Bye-bye.

See you when i get back , have amazing time mum! be safe ,  dad it will be unreal experience.

Jon , welcomed  me mark in his home, i said hello to his wife, she was very, nice with me  we then joined , them for food ,   we then chilled out John showed me his cool , coffee, latte, machine , and all his cool photos, and glasses, pictures, Teddy's .

Me ! is it okay to have look, at your collections , of glasses John Me! is it okay to touch them John ! dont brake them Me ! i wont i am very careful with things .

Mark, John was talking , about Eiger arrangements , and competitions, sponsors ,   all was on my mind, after that long day is i was thinking Wine Frodo, is on tour in Uk

i  Wanted take trip, to near shop for some red wines , So off we went to Aldi, heck that experience, was very overwhelming for me . i was like pick some Rioja , now & get out .

I think i handled it well though . Till girl ! just this , Me ! yes thank you , nearly forgotten my pin i was like please don't happen now it felt like everyone was looking at me i felt , like hail stones , were launching at me in my head , i just wanted rush , and get hell out there . safe say i hate supermarkets.

Me ! i didn't enjoy that then Mark !

Mark i could tell you were starting get very anxious ,

Me !yes it was evolving into meltdown.

So me Mark ,John walked , back to his house after going Aldi.

Got back into house , we then said are cheer,s with vino, am sure, i frazzled , Johns wife and Marks, heads after we stayed at Johns i kept asking them load questions , Mark ! let John finish his sentence Me Okay ! i kept talking over people , that's habit for people that Autistic , I was on subject , on about Hats's while everyone wanted chill out like say i sure was Wine, Frod'ed but Wine, Frodo had fantastic, night at Birmingham, in John's house hold thanks for the hospitality.


  And we also talked , saying how pleased about the trip in July we all are with way all our training, is going now ready for Switzerland , after our weekend in glen coe .

Me ! i don't think my fitness is there yet , Mark ! was casually just wanting listen to his music, Mark don't worry dude , will get there .

Me ! ill just keep training , and doing things repetitive ways

Cheers , with are wines , the wines clash, together , right time for bed , now sleep so we are fresh for tomorrow 7 hour journey to Glasgow,

Thank you John , said are nights . of i went to sleep .

To be continued , part 1 , part to is trip to Colin's house and coach journey



Part 2 Heading, on over to Glasgow .

So i woke, up in the morning , didn't even feel hungover, after the wines following night had plenty sleep i suppose , i went downstairs had breakfast with Mark, John , then afterwards went up stairs to pack my stuff, ready for trip to Glasgow.

Mark, ! is your stuff, packed do you have everything dude !

Me ! yes everything , is packed i think :L

so i had to double check , everything was in order like i said before i get confused, so if i don't have anyone like mentor, by my side like my mum, dad, friends , i can get overloaded and end up having,  big meltdown's either in house, or in public .

 So Mark, helps me remember, things by saying things repetitive, i really am humbled , on the help i get from people, because i no at times, i can be hard, to be around when i am having meltdowns, but not once so far have i had meltdown with Eiger team or Mark, touch, wood, when at home its consistent, day in day out i mean there really bad from wanting, to hurt my self to extreme, point .

I think it went okay, for me when i was away, with team , there were times i could feel, my self getting annoyed with being confused, though but i just have mask . other wise ill bring everyone down on that ship, with me and i don't want that i face fighting these demons, all by my self .



Me ! So i say , i am not frazzling your head now no Mark ! with forgetting , with saying same things over over but in different, way.

Mark say's no its cool, ill tell you if you are frazzling my brain .

So everything, was cool i was all packed, and ready to go .

John called, up a taxi, and we went outside to wait for it to arrive , we then put all are bags, in boot at that point i thought lost my iPod, so i was busy, looking for that Mark ! says you ready, now

Me ! In mood because, i thought lost a iPod, so i was frustrated, and my tone voice, was very low .

I am ready, so i put my pack back in boot, and off we went to get drop ed of at Birmingham, coach station .

At that point, i was thinking oh shit, i hate coaches , but i can tolerate, them more than i can  buses, because seats, are not facing different angles , so your thinking your staring, at people, when your not and everything, feels as if massive tornado, has hit you because your that overwhelmed, by being on  buses, so my point , i hate buses, with a passion .

So anyway, we arrived at the station, went in there to get tickets, all sudden , yes that overwhelming, feeling hit me i felt like screaming, because i was so uncomfortable, frustration , confusion. everything feels as if your in a mirror , and everyone is looking at you in very , uncomfortable way so anxiety hits you with a bomb , then anxious, feelings start to hit you .

Mark! are you going be okay, while i go to take John, to toilet dude, i think he could tell i wasn't feeling comfortable .

Me ! Yes,sure ill sit down on the bags, ill be fine  i am overwhelmed, not much of conversation , out me because i was not feeling okay you cant , help way you feel , in them situations , but i try my absolute best to overcome, them sometimes, it works , and sometimes, i can shut down and go into aggressive , anger, tears , of a meltdown , again i haven't had these with Team , or Mark , but with everyone else i have had  huge , panic attacks over social, situations, that i am very uncomfortable with when at that stage , i have to be restrained , to calm me down and to stop me hurting, my self.

I said when Mark, John, came back is it time' to go now because if am honest , i just wanted get hell out were i was if am stuck , and not moving , i can become very anxious , if am moving i am more relaxed , mellow , calm .

Mark! say's not yet dude, just relax , at that point i didn't feel relaxed.

Then it was , time to get on coach, Mark, John, said 3 tickets, for Glasgow.

Okay, said buss driver.

I then  gave my bag to driver, off we went on the coach , i was looking for a back seat so i couldn't, sit next to anyone because John, & Mark , had there own seats , and i didn't feel comfortable, sitting with anyone else at that point with being , overwhelmed , i could feel my self getting into a meltdown but i sat in back seat, didn't speak a word for 4 hours point being i hate coaches .

I listened to my Techno, put my sunglasses, on because that made me feel better .

So 7 hour's on the way to Glasgow, we had pack lunch, from John , and his wife but we didn't really eat , in till 4 hours into journey or maybe three then Mark, came to see if i was okay.

Mark !  you okay, dude, do you want some food.

I pulled, my headphones, off .

Me ! Yes please man  , felt lot better still had them feelings, come ago .

But after being , able to deal with it after , i think i was worrying my mum with texting her

I felt okay afterwards, when i had food.

 I remembering textin my mum .

Mum How is it on the coach , ok i hope .

Me! i hate, it so far am at the back so am away from all the surroundings .

Mum ! That's good try, and enjoy a new experience

Me! Yes i am trying no one has sat next to me yet so all okay so far

Me ! I feel, your all forcing , me to thing am very, uncomfortable , with .

Mum ! This will be good for you , just think of it as expedition Stop worrying just sleep, and drink water you will be fine .

To be honest , i thought that coach , journey , personally from it as if i went down to hell and into nightmare , the way i felt but it had to be done to overcome , my daily struggles, on learning to go more independent, well i still have Mark, with me if i ever need help .

If that was me travelling, on my own 1 , i get lost , or into argument , with the driver, 2 i end up 3 chucked of the buses , then in different mind set of being unsafe , reason being if i don't have anyone i trust around me like mum, dad, friends , Mark, climbers, i find it very difficult to go outside for walk on my own , because i can feel everything going in waves , and i cant tell if am making , daft faces , if am out in public , because i feel , anxious uncomfortable , lost , confused , frustrated, but when i am surrounded , by people who care , for me and my well being , i feel safe , so i can be relaxed , am complete different , than if i was on my own , i get all them things coming in waves , and massive pebbles , stones, and as if storm hits you . that's how it feels , so i don't think i could travel, on my own with out special , support like i have had all my life , from friends , family , and support cares.

Maybe , in few years once i find my way, eventually , i will be able to accomplish more things in my life with travelling on my own with out parents support , services, friends , taking steps first in till i am ready to fight , more battles . never say never though.

So again each' day is a game , and a fight , its how i live my life .

As soon as we got off that coach , i felt much better.

I was worried , at that stage if i was going on buses , after we arrived in Glasgow , then Euan saved the day .

Mark ! said Euan , is picking us up on coach.

Me ! Phewwwwf , in my head thank god for that .

So we got of coach , then seen Euan , Heeyyyy man shaked hand's and huggs, Me ! i am  good, man good been long time since we last Euan , since he was down filming in North wales .

Meeting him through , Mark , Euan Wills are Film-makers, of Final Crux films awesome dudes, with big potential in there filming , and photography wishing , them all best with there career, believe chances are sky is the limit .

Mark, Euan , chatted in car , about Glasgow, and brave heart, and films , questions .

Asking how are journey , went was feeling abit tired, and just was glad to be inside of a car .

We all was on route , to meet Colin, in Glasgow first time meeting the para team i think

Part 3 to be continued .

























 

Feeling, you don't belong, in a world nature of being, existence

Feeling like you don't belong in world, were things don't seem real, to you are my human, or are my functioning robot.

I feel, as if no one understands me i feel that i don't belong in this world , i feel that' every time i speak to friends, no one  listen's , to actually what i am trying to say,  even when your simply, having conversation, over social media about some very interesting, things i feel as if i am boring that individual, with my topic, to topic.

Then i say to my self , you need read, more learn more  about others, & how life works,so i can understand more things about small stuff but fuck it .

  Really once, i pretend, that i am okay , and smile, to a peer, outside  happy to the outside world , i am just happy, when my eyes are wide shut .

I feel like i don't belong in this world , then i have people, saying to me your being selfish, what about others out there and your saying, all them hurtful, things to a certain person, on about how you really, feel about your life, and your perspective, on things and  of it i mean, i am not living in a fucking fairy tale where tinker bell, gives me her pixy dust , so i can fly to a never never never land .

I am stuck, in this nightmare, all i want is to be able to understand, things not have all these suicidal thoughts, being afraid, is not in my nature, i am not afraid, of wanting to be at piece, at least i no i will be in safer, more relaxed, place, and my mind, wont be chattering , like pinball machine .

You can say, this is a very deep, story but it's how i feel, every single day from moment i wake up to moment i go sleep, but i mask, that everything is fine when in real life things are not how i like them and how they are supposed, to be .

I say, only thing that keeps, me going is my mechanisms, my repetitive, things i do with out them i am dusk till dawn.

If i didn't mean the things i say i wouldn't say them in first place , you don't no how i am on daily basis, and no about my everyday, struggles,  i could have smile of Cheshire the cat but underneath but really , you feel , like you don't belong anywhere in world .

My perspective, you can have some judgement, to what i have written, then so be it  but it's my life

“I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me.

A place, were you can belong . 




My happy, little pill, take me away, Dry my eyes , bring colour to my skies.