So this will be last blog for a while as of now i am giving, up in order to succeed, for ones that will fully understand why i have written this out then thanks .
I have been battling, my daily life everyday from moment i get up till i go to sleep, i have had good days and really bad days with things i enjoy most about life them days, have become draining and i now no longer want to push, my self or put my heart into things i enjoy most anymore because is constantly a battle, on people having to explain things to me in different contexts .
and i adore my interests now i don't feel on going on trips, out my comfort zone or traveling, in that case or seeing the world.
My pursuit of happiness is just really, about learning more about life.
if i have to sit in my room, & read, write, things down for years to come then so be it .
What's point doing things with passion, in your heart, & pushing your goals, if your stuck in a circle, each time.
People, saying you have gifts, you have talents, well i don't see my gifts, or fully understand my talents, it feels to me that i don't have a brain that works .
& i no we all have bad, days but these days, should not drag day in day out & changing how you feel instant to something positive, works sometimes but not all time .
Then having, to regulate, how your feeling, to go outside or do your regular things then come home have nose bleeds, because all stress that's happen d then saying, things will be okay tomorrow .
Because am sick to death of me having to push, harder than anyone else and i have seen that for my self you cant say, am wrong in what am saying, because you are no Autism expert because i am person who has to live, my days with meltdowns, & constant frustration.
Because you no someone who is Autistic, don't make you a expert one's that will understand most is Autistic, advocates or person that is Autistic .
Things i love to do but lost heart, into doing them things, i will do them on regular basis but i will no longer, determine my self or put my heart into them things .
That could be Yoga, Climbing, Running, Swimming, Cycling, Bouldering, Meditation, Music, Films, Reading.
If i have to brake, free from reality, again in order to find my self again then so be it i have had enough, on people saying try harder Jamie, when really you don't have a clue how hard i had to try, to get to these places on were i am at now .
This is what i listed, in my files on how things have been from others, that read it some you will understand others you wont .
I have lost my heart in everything i do on regular basis no one can say, try think positive, when i have been you all will never no how difficult, my life is on me having to push each time.
Sick and tired on things being a battle, so my pursuit, of happiness is not to do anything or become anything is to just try enjoy life and it wont be to travel, anymore i am so done i give up
Call that as you will but like, i say this how i feel, you can not change a persons, mind if they are feeling that way no matter what positive, action or wording you find.
Another day i written, this in my file.
I have lost all heart, and determination, in everything i do with the way i have been pushing my self but turns out i just think am shit at everything, i do and i don't have a brain, that works or understand the meaning to life .
Third day
So i have given up on all my exercises on the world to even think that i will overcome things.
Every thing is constant battle, from moment i awake to going back to sleep i gave climbing, my all swimming, all my daily exercises, no more i am so done with trying with things them making me feel angry, dissheartned on performance, on working my so called brain, i think i don't have one that works .
Fourth day
Today i think and no that nothing works, mind like a gold fish i sometimes think that people, say your good to make you feel better.
But its okay, i feel happy, and fine.
I just want to lock my self in my room and not come out and stop everything play video games .
Fifth day
Today i was worrying about what others, thought of me again because my quirky, ways on why i ask things in certain ways and hating small talk on how my day week went .
Truth in matter no one wants to no how your day, or week went its just something to say, so best of saying my week, and month is going fucking, great cheers i feel on top of the fucking moon .
Enough about me how was your day, did you have a great day . what did you do did you do anything nice visit any places .
So day six
Today, am blogging for last time, i will still climb, no idea how long or what days, i just wont push my self like athlete no more because really i don't see point in trying anymore for what in anyways .
So am stepping, out of the competitions, and will just climb locally now again to keep me relaxed, but am not fussed, about performance, or fitness schedule from on .
Who knows, when i will next hike, ill do as one off but other than that .
But ill take time out now for long period of time to just find my self and relax, more instead real life and ways of coded systems out there that are so confusing for me to understand & coded ways of how reality is .
Or on how many reps, or sets, or pull-ups press-ups or including power, strength, speed, quickness, coordination, agility, flexibility, local muscular endurance, and cardiovascular aerobic capacity and endurance.
on how many i have done ill still remain, doing little exercises, like 30 mins a day but nothing more and nothing that is making me push, my self.
Because for a long period of time is enough to push your self as not just your fitness, but your daily living routine, and learning things over & over reading, same paragraph of pages so it sinks in or learning, from videos.
Then if having up setting day, having just determination, to face reality, even though you can't focus as you want two for the sake of you putting in strategies, in place for when or if you hit having a meltdown, so having to push just as hard in training, as you do for real, life routine, that is fucking tiring .
But what can i say, i feel Happy, not depressed, not sad, not angry, but happy.
In order to succeed, sometimes giving up seems only choice for the pursuit of true, happiness.
Thank you Jamie.
