Giving, up in order to succeed .

So this will be last blog for a while as of now i am giving, up in order to succeed, for ones that will fully understand why i have written this out then thanks .

I have been battling, my daily life everyday from moment i get up till i  go to sleep, i have had good days and really bad days with things i enjoy most about life  them days, have become draining and i now no longer want to push, my self or put my heart into things i enjoy most anymore because is constantly a battle, on people having to explain things to me in different contexts  .

and i adore my interests  now i don't feel on going on trips, out my comfort zone or traveling, in that case or seeing the world.

My pursuit of happiness is just really, about learning more about life.

 if i have to sit in my room, & read, write, things down for years to come then so be it .

What's point doing things with passion, in your heart, & pushing your goals, if your stuck in a circle, each time.

People, saying you have gifts, you have talents, well i don't see my gifts, or fully understand my talents,  it feels to me that i don't have a brain that works .

 & i no we all have bad, days but these days, should not drag day in day out  & changing how you feel instant to something positive, works sometimes but not all time .

Then having, to regulate, how your feeling, to go outside or do your regular things then come home have  nose bleeds, because all stress that's happen d then saying, things will be okay tomorrow .

Because am sick to death of me having to push, harder than anyone else and i have seen that for my self you cant say, am wrong in what am saying, because you are no Autism expert because i am person who has to live, my days with meltdowns, & constant frustration.

Because you no someone who is Autistic, don't make you a expert one's that will understand most is Autistic, advocates or person that is Autistic .

Things i love to do but lost heart, into doing them things, i will do them on regular basis but i will no longer, determine my self or put my heart into them things .

That could be Yoga, Climbing, Running, Swimming, Cycling, Bouldering, Meditation, Music, Films, Reading.


If i have to brake, free from reality, again in order to find my self again then so be it i have had enough, on people saying try harder Jamie, when really you don't have a clue how hard i had to try, to get to these places on were i am at now .

This is what i listed, in my files on how things have been from others, that read it some you will understand others you wont .

I have lost my heart in everything i do on regular basis no one can say, try think positive, when i have been you all will never no how difficult, my life is on me having to push each time.

Sick and tired on things being a battle, so my pursuit, of happiness is not to do anything or become anything is to just try enjoy life and it wont be to travel, anymore i am so done i give up

Call that as you will but like, i say this how i feel, you can not change a persons, mind if they are feeling that way no matter what positive, action or wording you find.

Another day i written, this in my file.

I have lost all heart, and determination, in everything i do with the way i have been pushing my self but turns out i just think am shit at everything, i do and i don't have a brain, that works or understand the meaning to life .

Third day

So i have given up on all my exercises on the world to even think that i will overcome things.

Every thing is constant battle, from moment i awake to going back to sleep i gave climbing, my all swimming, all my daily exercises, no more i am so done with trying with things them making me feel angry, dissheartned on performance, on working my so called brain, i think i don't have one that works .

Fourth day

Today i think and no that nothing works, mind like a gold fish i sometimes think that people, say your good to make you feel better.

But its okay, i feel happy, and fine.

I just want to lock my self in my room and not come out and stop everything play video games .

Fifth day

Today i was worrying about what others, thought of me again because my quirky, ways on why i ask things in certain ways and hating small talk on how my day week went .

Truth in matter no one wants to no how your day, or week went its just something to say, so best of saying my week, and month is going fucking, great cheers i feel on top of the fucking moon .

Enough about me how was your day, did you have a great day . what did you do did you do anything nice visit any places .

So day six

Today, am blogging for last time, i will still climb, no idea how long or what days, i just wont push my self like athlete no more because really  i don't see point in trying anymore for what in anyways .

So am stepping, out of the competitions, and will just climb locally now again to keep me relaxed, but am not fussed, about performance, or fitness schedule from on .

Who knows, when i will next hike, ill do as one off but other than that .

But ill take time out now for long period of time to just find my self and relax, more instead real life and ways of coded systems out there that are so confusing for me to understand & coded ways of how reality is .

Or on how many reps, or sets, or pull-ups press-ups or including power, strength, speed, quickness, coordination, agility, flexibility, local muscular endurance, and cardiovascular aerobic capacity and endurance.

on how many i have done ill still remain, doing little exercises, like 30 mins a day but nothing more and nothing that is making me push,  my self.

Because for a long period of time is enough to push your self as not just your fitness, but your daily living routine, and learning things over & over reading, same paragraph of pages so it sinks in or learning, from videos.

Then if having up setting day, having just determination, to face reality, even though you can't focus as you want two for the sake of you putting in strategies, in place for when or if you hit having a meltdown, so having to push just as hard in training, as you do for real,  life routine, that  is fucking tiring  .


But what can i say, i feel Happy, not depressed, not sad, not angry, but happy.







In order to succeed, sometimes giving up seems only choice for the pursuit of true, happiness.

Thank you Jamie.

The Stallion

So i would like to make things clear, on what sensory, overload is and what happens to me on daily basis . I’m going to be talking, about Sensory overload and what happens, when you experience sensory overload It is a neurological in which the brain, does not interpret sensory input from the environment correctly . A person that has sensory, over load may be over or under-sensitive to input from their environment: such as the colours, of lights. Colours, noises, of people talking in background music, that is to loud, or people talking, amongst groups . Kettles, plates, wind, supermarkets, buss-stops cafe, horns, cars, crossing, the road, walking, passed others in the street. We feel things different to others like the textures, and tastes in restaraunts We then get very distressed, and irritated, meltdowns occur, are speech is all over the place, hard to process, what others are saying, to us and keeping aware of dangers, around us . Autistic, person will have some kind of sensory integration this is part of our neurotype and part of what makes,us autistic. But sensory, overload can affect and encompass all of the senses Now human beings actually have more than five senses. We have something like eighteen to twenty-two depending on who you ask. I think that there are the basics seven senses that are When a person is under- or over sensitive to any of the sensory input they may experience is going to be a lot different than a neurotypical persons experience. And their life is going to be very different because of the things that they have to deal with. And it could be things like talking, like in restaurant, while they can hear the person who’s is sitting across from them and speaking, its hard for us to interpret what the person is saying, this happens a lot to me . We know that they’re speaking, our brains just can’t filter out all of the auditory likes of information, that individuals, are saying to us in a conversation, or a conversation, with friends . We have our own set of triggers, negative sensory, input that causes, us discomfort or pain in the environment . Our Routine, plays a massive part of our lives, and resistance to change, can also cause sensory, overload we go into a sensory defensiveness so for example, that could be a certain, food and texture, of foods, you eat while out in restaurant, or with friends, at cafe, that can cause sensory defensiveness, interpret by our parents as just picky eaters or even outward defiance, this is sensory integration issues, you know that you’re different . This can also cause a lot of grief in our daily lives, because this world isn’t really built for us . It is so loud, and so fast, and so bright, and all the clothes, are to tight and everything too itchy, and it can be exhausting just trying to get some sleep at night with all these sounds, all around us it can be really hard to deal with, and its very tiring when all this is occurring daily . We are not trying, to be defiant to you we are to just being picky eaters . We don’t need to be shamed in any situation and we don’t need to be coerced, to do things that are going to cause us pain . These things are not just uncomfortable, for us autistic, people or a little annoying, they are very often painful and its very important for you Neurotypicals to understand all our differences, we are different not less so there needs to be more understanding, and accommodation can help go along way . All these, things that occur, take a lot of our brain energy that we would otherwise be putting towards learning or socialising, communication, and self regulating Sensory overload is one of the biggest and most frequent causes of autistic, meltdowns. That’s why it is so important to allow autistic, people and any person with sensory integration autistic, or not to self stimulation in what ever ways that they need to because stiming isn’t just some meaning less activity a repetitive motion . self stimulating is an expression of our self in autistic, people, in people of all neurotypes So letting us sim by stiming is best and most important way to self-regulate it makes us feel comfortable . We can block out negative input with good input Aware of other people, dark-thoughts seem to occur, confusion, dissregulated angry to wards individuals, up set not understanding, body language or emotions, feeling that we can’t express, how were feeling, in less cutting, our selfs in safe place or covering our selves in blood because of the meltdown we have had and how hard the day is for our difficulties, to be confrontational towards peers and undermined, small minded people. Hurting, our selfs in serious, ways can occur, by grazing, our heads up a wall trying to launch our selfs down a flight of stairs, panic-attacks can happen self-harm. Walking, into a busy, environment being amongst busy places and trying to socially interact, with what this normality, society wants us to do but the real question is. Is there any normality, yes, we face our differences, and we see the world, & think different to N’T’s wether it being us seeing things different with our eyes, hearing things with our ears, touching, things in more detail, way to any normalised person smelling, things we like in a Unique way than others do tasting, things more in detail way so why should we fit-ino your normalised world, when we are all different, this world, just needs to accept, our quirks, and our uniqueness, and our meltdowns, different behaviours, we show and other types, of routines, we have and obsessions, than real word, would be passions, of our specific interests, why should we be placed, into a system, were they tell us what we should like and how to be independent in this normalised world . Question, is if there was not any uniqueness or insight to how we perceive, things and our perception, on smells, tastes, colours, noises, this world would be a very, boring place, and wouldn’t have anything interesting to talk, about on how to be. So what if we can’t, understand the meanings of Sadness, Anger, Fear, Disgust, Guilt, why should you try and make us like a robots, or treat us like robots, just because you don’t have any understanding, on how to take us for our Autistics, selfs a person not labels, because labels, should remain on the tin cans, in our cupboards, it doesn’t define us for being so different does it . Quote Autistics, can be talented, witty, smart, sensitive, independent, loving, empathetic. We may just require, a little more support, to deal with our challenges, and to cope in the areas, we are fragile in . Don’t destroy, yourself by allowing negative, people to add gibberish and debris to your character, reputation, and aspirations. Keep all dreams, alive but discreet, so that those with unhealthy tongues, won’t have any other option than to infest themselves, with their own differences . Autistic, meltdown .. Overstressed/Overwhelmed .. Reactive mechanism .. Continues with out attention .. Safety may be compromised fatigue .. Not goal dependent .. May require assistance to gain control Feeling everything can be very overwhelming and trying to contain these things can cause distress disregulated and be very Exhausting I Don’t have Autism, or with Autism I am Autistic,. It Doesn’t mean i see myself as a Disability first a person second I’m me . I started, blogging again because, i want to explain, that i do face all these everyday so listen to our voices, and don’t define what we don’t feel, our sensations, in side our head and body. As for typical, people out there yes, i have serious difficulties, it does not mean that every Autistic, you meet will be same as the movie, rain man or Temple Grandin or X+y so listen to our voices, and accept for being the people we are I am me, and only me i will never, put my self- into your normalised society, or world, accept me for who i am and my quirks peace. Reason being i decided, to blog again because i had tough experience, at the supermarket yesterday and all loud places and conversations i just blew & my head exploded, full of anger, and disstress, after going my self to supermarket yesterday and i taken to cutting, my self again and meltdown, occurred, in serious of having nose bleeds and was covered in blood after all the frustrations i felt. So i wanted, to explain, what i deal- with and for others to just understand reasons for it and not to push- me into environment, that i feel unsafe in because when i am in my safe, place i let it all out in anger, and frustration and not understanding why this happens. I am aware as i gotten older, that i remove, my self to my safe place then i feel better but not that i am hurting, ones that love me deeply, by taking to hurting my self from sensory overload Love Jamie .